HH - Amber pt 2
Tue, Oct 08, 2024 11:28AM • 28:51
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
happily ever after, relationship journey, manifesting love, emotional connection, receiving love, secure attachment, healthy communication, self-discovery, monthly check-ins, no pressure, true self, inner power, fearless pursuit, memoir release, support system
SPEAKERS
Hannah
Hannah 00:00
Welcome to happily ever after, the podcast where we dive into life's big stories, everything from breakups and breakdowns to Buried Secrets and triumphant happy endings. It's the stuff that makes us human. I'm your host. Hannah Harvey, author of How to divorce, sober. I'm a mentor, award winning blogger, yoga instructor, and in a past life, a fully qualified civil engineer. You can find me at Hannah harvey.uk or on Instagram at Hannah Harvey UK. I absolutely love to hear from you, so please get in touch with your stories, thoughts or questions. But for now, get cozy, settle in, and let's dive into your next chapter of happily ever after. Hello and welcome to happily ever after. It's me Hannah, and I'm back with my part two with Amber. Amber Horrocks of sex band fame. Hi Amber,
01:02
Hi Hannah.
Hannah 01:04
Thank you so much for coming back. So now we've talked about sex bands, we've talked about my experience of what it was like. But what I would love to know is, How has life been since? Because you told us about manifesting your lovely new man a year ago. But what's it like now? Are you still together? How's it going?
01:29
Yeah, we're still together. We're very happy. The more time we spend together, the more we fall in love for one another, with one another, the more we feel for one another, the happier we become, the more we grow in ourselves, but the more we grow together as well, which for me personally, that that growing together and aligning with one another and sharing a future vision together isn't something that I've managed to accomplish with any other previous partner, and yeah, it's absolutely wonderful. There are, yeah, it's wonderful.
Hannah 02:13
So nice to hear, because I think we both sort of found our new person in a very similar way. And I know you were telling me that like you've never really met anybody else who's done it like this, so that you could talk to them about it.
02:29
Yeah, and what you shared in the podcast, in the in the last session that we did, about those early stages where you really take your time to get to know one another, you ease the pressure on yourselves, even by not calling the meet up a day in the first instance, and giving yourself more space, I guess, to tune in to what's coming up for you and how your body feels and making sure that you're ready before committing further, and especially before things become physical, really resonated quite a lot. And you mentioned that you fell in love with your partner before the first kiss, and that really reminded me of the two months I spent in Thailand very shortly after, I met my partner, and I could relate to that a lot, because I really fell in love with him there, even though there was the physical separation, emotionally, we connected frequently throughout the day via voice notes on WhatsApp. And yeah, I really resonated with that. It was a beautiful experience, when I look back and reflect on it now as well.
Hannah 03:47
Yeah, it was so fun. I'll, I'll paint the picture, because I don't think I've said it on the podcast before, but basically we, we were friend dating, so he has a dog, and we were both sea dipping. So we'd be like, Oh, should we just walk together? Obviously, didn't call it a date or anything like that, but we were connecting quite a lot, just like you guys, and, you know, keeping in touch. And he was kind of being a cheerleader for me when I had big things coming up. But one of the things that really kind of made me go, Oh, my God, this is totally the guy for me was, I was on holiday with my kids, and he was going to a Halloween dip dressed as Harry Potter. And I was like, send me a photo. And what he actually did was send me a video of him, like, goofing around in this Harry Potter costume, just and it was really good, like he was actually a good actor. And I'm like, I had this dream that night, so we'd not even like, said we liked each other or anything, but I just had this dream that night, and I was like, something magical is gonna happen here. And I dreamt that I was gonna help him sort of come out of his shell and do loads more. More with his kind of acting and videos and stuff like that, which he is now, and just this magical connection was going to happen.
05:08
Oh, wow, that's amazing. So
Hannah 05:11
I guess you know, we've all fallen in love, and that was all wonderful. But the next stage of actually finding somebody who is what you were looking for, is being able to receive the love that you were actually wanting. I found that quite tricky. Yeah,
05:32
that's a big thing. About six months before me, my partner met, I realized that if I couldn't open up to receiving, then I wasn't going to be able to bring in kind of all that which I desired and wanted. And part way through the year, I actually changed my word of the year from heartfelt to receive, so that I could start to begin the work of trying to open up to receive. And it's interesting. You should mention it now, because I'm being called to open up to receive further, and it's part of the ongoing work that I'm finding myself doing. But yeah, so and I know that me and my partner now, we are. We are more than 18 months in. We're going to be two years at Christmas. And there have been some, obviously, there's been some big events in that time. And when we've spoken about the future and our vision and the part that we want to play in each other's lives, it's been wonderful and amazing, all them incredible things that he said, but I've really had to pause and reflect on that and sit with that and open up to allow myself to receive that. Yeah, I can really relate, and that's trickier than we might give credit for.
Hannah 06:59
Yeah, for sure. Amber, that's a big thing. Quite early on, I was like, oh, getting quite emotional without really understanding why. And it was always coming up around me, having voicing my needs and being like, say, I don't want to do something. Being able to say, I don't want to do something felt dangerous. When it's like, you know, the person that I'm with now is like, you can do whatever the fuck you want, and I'm going to support you in it. And I was like, I don't know how I don't know how to be. I don't know what to do.
07:38
Yeah, it's huge. Yeah, it really, it. It really is huge, and it takes, well continued in our work, doesn't it? And that commitment to showing up with one another, even when it's hard and even when you don't know all the answers, um, and being that honest with one another and letting each other know that that's how you're feeling as well. Like, you know, I'm really stumped right now. I don't know what to do. This is coming up for me, and I've had fears of money before, and I found that very challenging to open up to my partner about and express that I was feeling fear of financial, you know, concerns, I guess, yeah,
Hannah 08:31
yeah. And I suppose it's that feeling of like, Oh, I've learned how to do everything by myself. I now should be doing that, and I'm not going to share that bit or certain bits with my partner.
08:42
Gosh, that's it. Yeah, I hadn't even realized that that that was kind of the conditioning, wasn't it, to be independent, to own it all yourself, and to just get on with it and deal with it on your own. It's huge change in those kind of habits, I guess, and the ways in which we might have been brought up or had previously shown our model to us and creating a new path and carving out a new way of being and feeling and believing.
Hannah 09:19
Yeah, I've recently started to learn about human design, have you? I don't know if you've done that Amber.
09:29
I've heard of it. I've come across it. I looked at my design type, and I didn't really explore it in the way that I'm seeing kind of everyone else do. But yeah, I'm vaguely familiar with
Hannah 09:40
it. Okay, so without going into too much detail about it, what it is, you can Google it and do a test to find out what your basically, it's kind of like your personality type based on the time you were born, the date you were born, where, and your name. And so I'm a generator, but I don't. Have a defined throat, which means that my ability to speak comes and goes, and it depends who I'm with and whether I can use their energy to help me channel my ability to speak. So that has been huge to learn that, because I've realized that I really struggle to voice how I feel, especially in a relationship, it feels unsafe to do it, even though it is so that is a big thing that I've been learning through this new relationship, is how can I speak up? And I really have to take my time about it as well. I can't do it in the heat of the moment. I have to sort of go away, kind of cocoon a little bit, and then come back and and then I'm able to speak, but, oh, it's, it's tricky.
10:47
Oh, wow, that is a huge one, isn't it? Yeah, that is a huge one. And recognizing what your needs are and how you process as well, and giving each other space to do that, because we don't have all the insight and all the knowings and all the knowledge and all the answers immediately, and we do need to understand and learn that about ourselves and give one another space so that the other can go off and process a little bit and then perhaps come back, you know, either later that day, the next day, or sometimes it can even take a few weeks, Can't it?
Hannah 11:19
Yeah, but it's knowing that you've got a safe container within the relationship that you can do that, like, just because you've had a Fallout, or just because something's coming up doesn't mean it's, you know, the wheels are going to fall off. Because I guess a lot of us are used to that sort of roller coaster relationships where you're like, you don't know if you're coming or going, and just all these, yeah, like learning to be in a healthy relationship where there's a safe container to be like, I can't talk about this now, but I still love you.
11:53
For me, that's been really huge. Exactly what you've just said there that content or that platform where I know that it's that it is there and that it's safe for me to speak up. So one practice that me and my partner brought in as soon as I got back from Thailand was to have, like, a monthly check in with one another. So we do it on our anniversary day. I mean, you could do it anytime, couldn't you, but we've chosen to do it on our anniversary day, and around that I think it's the middle of the month, 17th. Around that day, we will then have a check in, and we'll do it like when we're making dinner or in bird. We've even done it in a traffic jam before, and we've been sat in in quite a lot of traffic, and we'll check in with one another and have a catch up on a review of the previous month, any insights that we've gleaned, how we're feeling and what we want to create for the month ahead. And that has been enormous for me, in feeling, I guess feeling like there is space for me, and it's it's safe for me to speak up, and with that, I feel obviously very heard and seen and witnessed. And we both, you know, we both share our reviews and our insights and our reflections and how we're feeling. And that has also for me, well for for the both of us, made it easier to have those bigger conversations in between times as well. So we don't always necessarily need to wait, but we know that that time is coming if we do feel like that, but we because of that, I feel it's had a direct impact on us being able to broach things that we want to bring up and discuss in the between times as well, and sooner, you know when in the past, we just may never have brought them up at all.
Hannah 13:50
Oh, that's so cool, like because I think one of the big things about being in a healthy relationship is communication is literally fundamental to everything you have to be able to speak up, or it's just not going to work, because you're going to come up against resistance and just within yourself. I think especially if you've done a lot of work on yourself, you then realize like, oh, I can't just have sex unless I want to, or I can't just do certain things unless it feels aligned, because my body will just go into panic attack if I'm not careful.
14:29
Yeah, and we've, we've, that's, that's one of the things that we've, I suppose, like a boundary or something that we've agreed together, like the no pressure, the no expectations to, you know, and that goes for sex as well, you know, in the bedroom, and to be really communicating with with one another, how we're feeling and what we're needs, what our needs are,
Hannah 14:55
quite a fun thing that we introduced quite early on because we got together at Chris. Business time as well. And so I'd made my partner like a box of presents, and in that was, like a card game, but not really. You basically, like, it's just lots of question prompts. So we spent, like, quite a lot of our early months going through all the questions, being like, Oh, should we do the cards? And we'd use that as a way to sort of connect with each other and learn more about each other, and it asks some quite tricky questions, which you kind of want to skip, but they're actually really helpful for getting to know each other. And it's also great if you're having one of those moments of like we need to reconnect back in and talk about stuff, there's likely that you'll come up with a question that's like, is there anything you need to talk about type thing? And then you address, you can address that within, within quite a safe container that's away from any conflict. It's just kind of a fun connection.
15:57
No, that sounds brilliant. Yeah, that sounds really good.
Hannah 16:04
My new book, How to divorce sober is out now. It's basically everything I needed to get through addiction and divorce in one place with fairy tale symbolism and tons of practical advice. You'll learn how to be free build a strong support system and embrace a positive future you can grab how to divorce sober on Amazon today, it's available in print, ebook and audiobook, narrated by yours truly. So if you know, I think a lot of people that listen to this podcast have been through relationship breakup or are coming out of the other side of maybe not like the healthiest of relationships, and they're wanting to find somebody new. It'd be really cool to kind of get your take on what you think is a really good way to move into having a healthy relationship. You know, when you're used to that roller coaster, what is it that people can kind of a few steps they can nurture within starting a new healthy relationship?
17:21
I think, like we've both shared in the early stages of the new relationships we found ourselves in, is, is to really take your time. And even before that, for me, it was about getting to know myself first. Like I remember started, like, kind of dating myself almost, and learning to do the things that I wanted to do, and not waiting for anyone else to be there to do them with so things like going ice skating or having a barbecue, just simple things, going for walks and exploring and trusting myself not to get lost. You know, I would have been so fearful over over doing that before, and I found my way to do those things on my own, and it surprised me that I was actually good company to be around like I've always had loads of friends and always had loads of party invites in the past, people always wanted to be around me, and still do, but it never occurred to me that I was actually good fun, and the reason that people wanted to spend time with me was because it was good company, and it was only when I got to know myself, and it came actually as a bit of a surprise. So yeah, even starting from that place, kind of spent spending time doing things that you want to do, and doing them for yourself and with yourself, and knowing that you can do them by yourself, and getting to know yourself and really when you do when it does come to meeting someone, taking your time and easing those pressures. And I really liked what you said about you didn't those early meetups. You didn't even label them as dates, because that I have seen and come to realize that myself, that that can put so much pressure and expectation, which I think is where me and my partner came in with the boundary, that we were going to have no pressure and no expectation. Those things really helped a lot,
Hannah 19:22
yeah? Like our first, like, friend dates, it would be like, I kiss on the cheek and a hug when he left, and then the kiss would get slowly closer to my mouth.
19:34
The same, yeah. I was very clear with my partner that I wanted to take things slowly, kind of from a physical aspect. What was it totally shocked me, actually, that he came back and said the same thing. I didn't expect that somebody else might feel the same way when we were both kind of upfront and honest with those conversations. And yeah, I remember meeting him, and he was like, I'm a hugger. So I. Going to hug you, you know, like, so we did, you know, the hug and the peck on the cheek and things, but it was really, yeah, it was really special and amazing and surprising to know that actually we both wanted to take our time with it and get to know one another first before kind of rushing into anything else.
Hannah 20:20
Yeah, yeah. Like, it's easy to think when you're especially if your experience of dating as an older, you know, I call myself an older person, someone who's like, had a full blown relationship and now you're doing it in your 40s. It's like, oh, right, this is how we date now. It's fucking fast, and you've got to keep up. And you're going to be like, meeting somebody one day, and everybody's like, not exclusive, and then all of a sudden you're like, hang on, actually, it doesn't need to be like this at all. We can all take our time. That's a beautiful thing to learn. And then I think when you go into the relationship, because you've taken that time, and you've got to know yourself a bit better, just being like, aware that things are going to come up and they might not. It might not make any sense. It might not be obvious as to why it is. But just still allowing yourself to feel all those things, but not be like so catastrophizing it in the way that you might have done in the past, like, okay, everything's over now.
21:22
Yeah, I really hear you with that as well. I would looking back, I was not aware of this at the time, but I would freak out over the littlest things, and feel like that would mean it was the end or that, I suppose, because I didn't have this awareness at the time that they were going to leave me or that it was going to be over, and I just yeah, I didn't have that awareness of myself in the past until I'd kind of gone on this journey of a sex band and got to know myself better and realized that actually I was an incredibly insecure person, and that's something I wanted to speak to here, because entering this relationship with my partner in the way that we have in the last 18 months, I have a secure attachment style now, and that's that's not something I've ever felt In my life until this relationship and that that, for me, really is a game changer in how you kind of show up in your relationship, but also how you respond to when perhaps a disagreement does happen, or you don't want to both do the same things at the same time, you know, like you don't have to agree and do the same things at the same time all the time, or, yeah, yeah, that was, that was a big one, feeling feeling secure and knowing that I could open up.
Hannah 22:52
And did you have that straight from the beginning? Yeah,
22:56
I did in this one, because certain things. So I'll give you an example. Actually, certain things happened very early on. And I thought, Do you know what this guy is? Either here for it, or he isn't. I'm going to tell him. So one of the things that happened early on was I became I got really triggered over my size. I and how I looked on a, like, a nice, like, kind of Christmas lunch date that I went on with my friend, and I literally told him that that's what had happened. I got triggered, and that I felt really awful, and he responded in a way that, like he didn't say, Oh, you beautiful, you know, he didn't say. He just responded in such a way that really helped me process it. And I realized that all I needed to do was send that younger version of myself that had somehow got caught up in how she looked or the size and shape of her some love. And it was through practices like that where I really did go all in really early on, and the response that got from him that helped me feel very secure right from the off, yeah,
Hannah 24:12
oh, that's really beautiful, yeah. I think it's when you know that you can show up as your true self with all of like, our fears and insecurities and sabotages, I guess, and being like this doesn't make sense, but this is how I feel in this moment, and then how they respond is really crucial. Yeah, yeah, and it's
24:41
yeah, it's made it easier to show up in that way repeatedly, because each time, obviously it's for the first time, isn't it, and it's in a way that we've never shown up before, or what, like you said, that authentic, true self and continuing to do that. I. Kind of challenge myself to do that, regardless of the outcome, as being a big practice for us in our relationship, like from the moment we started chatting, which was over, kind of WhatsApp, that's how we were introduced. He said that he wanted to show up as his true, authentic self and and basically be completely different himself in the way that he'd shown up in his past relationships. And that is what we've always done, you know, even when it's been tricky, even when it's been challenging, even when we've had to show up and stand in our own inner power and speak our truth and know that that's not what the other person wants to hear. Yeah,
Hannah 25:46
that's huge. Oh, Amber, this has been absolutely amazing. Thank you so much for coming back on. And can you quickly tell me about your book that's coming out? You're allowed to talk about it, and then I'll let you go.
26:02
Yeah, so that was a great place to end it, actually, because it was a writing a writing competition I entered earlier this year, and I wrote it and I submitted it, and it was the most challenging thing I'd ever wrote, but I reassured myself that no one was ever going to read it anyway, and I just needed to be submitting competitions and kind of aligning with what I wanted overall, so no one was more shocked and surprised when I actually won the thing, and then I had to go and tell my boyfriend that what I'd written about was basically sharing, airing our dirty laundry for the World to view now and sharing all of our story, because the theme was on 2023 and that year, last year, for me, was such a big year that I was declaring that it could be a book, and that is what it's turned into. And because the theme is 2023 and that was the year, the first year, full year of our relationship, it is all about us, learning to stand in our own inner power, learning to speak our truth and to do that whilst we connect with our dreams and let go of any fears that might present with all of that. So yeah, it's it's an ebook. It's almost ready for publishing. It's going to be out very soon, probably around the same time as your own Hannah, probably around mid, mid to late September. So yeah, it's a short memoir on that year, and it comes with a three part journal. So it will help others to connect, to step into their inner power. Also dare to dream and fly fearless in whatever pursuit and kind of avenue they wish to to go off in their lives. So, yeah, super exciting.
Hannah 27:51
Oh, well done. That sounds amazing. Will you please send me the link and everything when it's up, and I'll share that and add it onto this podcast as well, so other people can find it. But Amber, this has been amazing. Thank you so much for coming on.
28:06
Thank you so much for having me. It's been fantastic to be back.
Hannah 28:13
Thank you so much for spending your time with me today. All the details you need are in the show notes, so be sure to check those out. If you're enjoying the podcast, please do hit the subscribe button and leave a review. It really helps more people find the show. And if you know someone who'd love these stories, feel free to share it with them too, as you know, I love hearing from you, so please do reach out on Instagram, at Hannah Harvey UK, all through my website, Hannah harvey.uk
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
