Happily Ever After - 87
Tue, Sep 24, 2024 12:00PM • 27:43
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
divorce, book, people, years, sober, feel, katie, big, week, hannah, bit, thinking, sit, share, chum, meditation, friends, love, marching band, place
SPEAKERS
Hannah
Hannah 00:00
Welcome to happily ever after, the podcast where we dive into life's big stories, everything from breakups and breakdowns to Buried Secrets and triumphant happy endings. It's the stuff that makes us human. I'm your host. Hannah Harvey, author of How to divorce, sober. I'm a mentor, award winning blogger, yoga instructor, and in a past life, a fully qualified civil engineer. You can find me at Hannahharvey.uk or on Instagram @HannahHarveyUK. I absolutely love to hear from you, so please get in touch with your stories, thoughts or questions, but for now, get cozy, settle in, and let's dive into your next chapter of happily ever after. Hello and welcome to happily ever after. It's me Hannah, and this week, I am joined by my lovely chum, chum, Katie and a room full of my nearest and dearest, as I will be sharing the live Q and A that we held for my book launch last week first, let me say, welcome back to the new season of happily ever after for the next 10 weeks, you can expect weekly podcasts with lots of lovely guests and The odd solo appearance from me, and we'll be talking about all our favorite juicy topics as ever, from the incredible visualizations that I personally have had that has changed everything for me recently, to manifesting more money and also settling into a calmer way of life, because it's not always easy. If you are used to a bit of a roller coaster. Over the next few weeks, I have Amber Horrocks of sex band fame coming on, and I'm also speaking to my shamanic business coach I've been working with over the summer, Rachel smithbone, and she's got some amazing pearls of wisdom to share as always. So yes, onto my book. It was published on the 18th of September, so we had a big party. It was this time last week in the bound in Whitley Bay, and it was absolutely gorgeous and overwhelming, and I was so supported beforehand that it meant I had loads of space to fully sit in the discomfort of celebrating something that I've done, which I know loads of people will be able to relate to. Because how many people say I don't want to have a birthday party? I don't want to celebrate, like, it's really quite a common feeling. And just beforehand, I remember sitting there and I'm like, I just wish I could crawl into a little hole, because I it's just weird. It's just weird what the human psyche does. But I just really wanted to disappear and not have this moment, even though I knew it was really important. So yeah, I was like, we definitely have to do this, but I'm going to fully feel that I feel uncomfortable about it, and that's totally fine, but I also know that when we do something that's really big and something that's important and something that changes us, that we have to be witnessed. It has to be seen by our loved ones, and for people to acknowledge that they know that it's happened. So yeah, and the next day, my friend Joanne put it perfectly, because she was like, Have you got a love hangover? And it's similar to, like, the overshare hangover that you can get, where you just feel a bit vulnerable, don't you? It's like, Oh, it's this thing that I'm I've done. I hope you like it. And that's, yeah, it's perfectly natural to feel like that. So yeah, bit of a love hangover. But also just so much gratitude for all the people that came out and, yeah, just some really lovely feedback as well. So I would love you to buy a copy of How to divorce sober and let me know what you think. You'll probably recognize lots of the content from the podcast I've included so much of all just the amazing nuggets that have been gathered over the last two years, and what really stood out is helping me work out what my story was. So you can buy the book at the moment for only 90 9p on Amazon, and it's going to be that price until 5pm on Friday. So that's this Friday, the 27th of September, and I would love to hear what you have to say about it and what you can relate to, because obviously you might not be sober, you might not be getting divorced, but I think there is something in there that you will be able to connect to. And I. Yeah, just let me know what you think. So without further ado, here is the chat with Katie and myself that we had at the book launch last week.
Hannah 05:21
Hello, everyone. Um, well, thank you so much for coming. Honestly, really means the world view to bear witness to the fact I have finally got this out of me. Wasn't very pleasant, but it's happened and massive. Thank you to the bound for hosting us tonight, and to Dan for the millions of things that you've done to hold it all together, and to Ross, who helped me make the room look beautiful, and to moja who the book literally special. Tony help me pull everything together and make it make sense. But the biggest thank you goes to Katie, my chum, chum. The whole book is dedicated to you. It says for Casey, my chum, chum. This wouldn't exist without you and your devotion to oversharing. Devote so the backstory to me and Katie is that about 15 years ago, I had an event management company, and Katie came and worked for us for like, a year, and then we just went our separate ways. I had kids, didn't see Katie, and then came back to Whitley Bay, and we literally bumped into each other on the street. And I was like, I felt like it happened for a reason, that you'd come back into my life. And then I was like, I'm going to start a podcast. Will you be involved? And she ended up basically producing 75 of the 85 episodes, and just coming on the journey with me. And I didn't know at the time what we were doing, but so much of that content then went into this book. So yeah, so it was really fun, actually going back through all the episodes and being like, Oh, we really talk a lot of shit, but we also really got to the heart of what was going on and what we wanted to do, or what I wanted to do. I couldn't have worked it out on my own. So thank you so much. Thanks for coming to do this with me today. Yeah, so I'll hand over to Katie.
07:40
Hi everybody. It's I guess normally when we do this, it's in a slightly different setting. So this is slightly more intimidating with the people here than it is when we do it mum alone. But we're going to try and make it as much like what you've heard before, with some questions about the book along the way as well. So I kind of kind of just told the story of how started working for it, and, like, how I got back into it, but I didn't know that any of this was coming along either. It was kind of just like she we bumped into each other, and then she sent me a text message and was really keen to get coffee in the diary. And I was like, Well, that's nice that she wants to reconnect. And we sat down, and she was like, How have you been for the past 10 years? And do you know how to use social media?
08:33
But obviously it became clear that actually she wanted to, was to work together again, and that was really nice and welcome and thank you for doing that, because I had a really great time while I was doing it. And still do when we do stuff together. And there was loads of ideas going on at the time, wasn't there? Like we were thinking, maybe it'll be an event, maybe it'll be coaching. And one of the ideas that was kind of tossed around at the time was that we do the book. So I guess I want to hear your story on how the book came to fruition.
09:02
So
Hannah 09:04
I think I always knew that I wanted to do the book in some capacity, but I didn't know what it was going to be. And it was around the time that I got, oh, I'll say it was like two weeks after I got the divorce papers. And I was like, sat with a trending forecaster and picking her brains like totally normal chitchat. And I was like, being sober's trending, isn't it? So I was like, if I put that in the title, then I feel like this could work. But obviously it was, like, so much more than that. Like, that's just a title, but that is basically where it came from. I said, right, I'm gonna do this then fine,
09:46
yeah, and look at this amazing book that you've got out of it as well. Like, what? How was the process? How did it feel to be writing it?
Hannah 09:54
There were bits that were really fun, and I literally probably wrote the majority. To you, and I just forced myself to sit down over the three day period and pull it all together. And it was like, Okay, I feel like we've got something. Obviously, Tony will tell you that something was questionable, but yeah, that bit was fine. The thing that was super painful was just getting the damn thing over the line and just being like, how much can I share? What's actually helpful, what's over, sharing, what's thrown my ex under the bus? Like, all of that stuff. I really had to dig deep to kind of go, what's the core of this, and what is the person who needs it gonna get from this? Like, how much do they need to know? So, yeah, that was,
10:43
did you think that was, like, the hardest part or then, like, what was the hardest bit of it,
Hannah 10:48
that just being like, how much can I say and how much should I share? Because I knew that past the first section, like the rest of it, I felt like it was really helpful, and literally everything that I did to pull myself out of a really crap place, but that first bits, like, how much of the story do you need to tell so that the person who needs it can see themselves in it without going too much into you know, I don't want my kids to read it and stuff like that.
11:17
And I think you've, like, really done fantastic job at that. And I know I would think that, but like, you know, I find it so relatable myself, considering I'm not sober and I've never been divorced. Like, I think it's like, the kind of group that anybody that's through a breakup should read, you know, it's really got that message behind it, and I think it's helpful for everybody.
Hannah 11:38
Yeah, I hope so. I think that's kind of the place that it came from. Is what you need to hear when you feel stuck like that's where it came from.
11:49
Would you like to read us a little
Hannah 11:51
bit? Yes, I would. So the lovely carriage isles, who is in the room, author, celebrated northeast writer of 12 moons a year under a shared sky. If you haven't read it, you absolutely have to, because it's from a divorce perspective. It was one of the first books that I read where I was like, oh, okay, she gets it. And just relating to your kids and all of the other stuff that's going on. So Carrie wrote this for me, and I'll just read the first section to give you an idea. Divorce is still a bit of a dirty word. It brings with it connotations of failure and shame, which is a pity, because despite the grief and turmoil, turmoil that accompanies the end of a marriage, divorce is also offers a unique opportunity for reinvention. It's possible to build a brave new world from the ashes of a broken one. My divorce hovered on the horizon for a long time. It took me several years to finally make the call to spend my marriage, by the time I did, my self esteem had crashed to an all time low. It's very hard to make important decisions from a place of zero confidence and emotional exhaustion. It can feel impossible to summon the strength required to travel along roads towards a different kind of life for yourself. When my marriage ended, I felt very alone. Of course, I relied on both literal and metaphorical hands of friends and family to pull me along through extremely stormy waters, but I felt unlovable and broken. I wished I'd had this book to keep me company. So that is basically what I would have hoped that people could pick this up and be like, okay, because when you're in it, you're like, I'm literally the only person who's experiencing this. And obviously that's not true, like millions of people too, and it's an opportunity to actually come out the other side so much happier.
14:02
Yeah, really is Yeah, and that was beautiful caramel. So I'm interested in the back cover and the cartoon that we've got on there, and where that came from. Can you tell me any more
Hannah 14:12
about that? Yes. So I basically walked around the bound and went, I like back cover, and I like back cover. So put them together. And then Sophie, who lots of you all know, was like, it needs to be green and pink. And I was like, okay, green pink. So this started off as just, this is me seven years ago. This that's literally a photo. And we went, oh, we'll turn that into a cartoon, so it looks like there's a book. And then in the process of that really tricky bit that I was talking about, I was wading through it at the end, this ended up becoming like the muse. So I almost had to go into like meditation with this person to say, what is it that you need to hear like it was a bit crazy. I was feeling. Bit crazy. It was like, summer holidays. I'm like, how do we get this over the line? And in the end, I had to sit with her and be like, what is it that you need to hear? Because that's basically, sounds weird, but basically for me, seven years ago, like, if you feel that desperate, that sad, how can you take what steps you need to take to come out of it?
15:18
And you know what I think is quite striking. You know, I can't ever imagine you as that person like no one knew, as you are now
Hannah 15:29
with me, yes,
15:30
like you in the blacktop. I can't
Hannah 15:35
imagine I had my colors. Episode, it's just before cats, I think so. Another
15:49
thing that I want to know about is how it felt finally have the hard copy of the book in your hand.
Hannah 15:57
So I was in the motor studios because I think we've just finished recording, and I went into finished recording the audiobook, and they're like your books here, and I'm like to do with that, but it wasn't even a disgust. It was just a nothing like I didn't feel anything so and I remember Rachel coming in the next day and going, how the time was she excited? And they were like, so I just kind of went, Okay, that's obviously how I feel today, and I'll just sleep on it and kind of put it on the sofa next to me and watch the telly. And I was like, so basically, the next day, I went into another meditation. I'm like, bringing the book with me. I'm going, right, what is going on here? And I discovered it was like having a child, but this one's going to be really, potentially judged. And so they were, like, all of these threads coming out of the back of it that were attached to all these people that were judging it. Cut. The cord with all of these, like, in my mind, and then I was able to bring it in and be like, Ah, yes, you are mine, and it's okay put a bubble around us and ignore any negative stuff that comes our way.
17:15
You can't underestimate the power of the cord cutting meditation. Like,
Hannah 17:20
energetically, it's like, obviously, kind of in the mind and controlling your emotions, but I find it very helpful.
17:27
It really does work. You've used to have it was very
17:33
successful, yeah, sometimes,
Hannah 17:34
yeah, because I've discovered chords can re grow as you interact with people. So you have to keep doing it. See, my dad's in the garden.
17:50
Are you worried about the friends growing back on the book?
Hannah 17:53
I mean, they probably will. But, you know, I've got the toolkit. You do, yeah, it's back. It's bring it back. Oh, good
18:04
one, glad you feel better about it now. Like, I think I've
18:07
like, heard before that sometimes when you go through the book writing process, it can be a bit like reflective of that period of your life, and then when you get to the end point and it's published, like it's not really you anymore, and I guess that's kind of reflected in who you were writing it for, like, it's not you anymore. The lesson in the book, it's a story for them, yeah, going through that, but it's not you anymore, yes.
Hannah 18:30
And the other thing about the book is I kind of had this feeling like it's almost like a plug in a big wall, and on the other side, it's like loads of fresh water, and I'm stuck in the mud right now, so I need to just get it out. And I kind of don't want to, because I don't know what's on the other side. And the unknowns a bit scary, but we'll do it, and then hopefully all this fresh water is going to flood through, and it's the beginning of what I really want to be doing
18:57
with my life. And you'd preach all the time about accepting help. Maybe you need help, pulling the plug out. Come
Hannah 19:10
on, in emotional sense, I think that is what this is. This is like all the people that I love in a room supporting me, going like, right? We'll get that plug out. Then, shall we?
19:21
Yeah, get out the mud. Got
19:26
another section for us to read as well.
Hannah 19:30
So this is from the end where the chapter is called
19:35
The section, congratulations, you're divorced.
Hannah 19:40
So how I felt when it was all over two days after I turned 40, I discovered I was finally divorced. It had taken nearly three years, and everyone was like, Are you gonna have a divorce party? And honestly, that was the last thing on my mind. I suppose turning 40 is a bit of a milestone. I would have been. It would have been a time for reflection, anyway, but my. And I planned a big, exciting holiday with family and friends to mark the occasion. Obviously, that didn't pan out, and I got my divorce papers instead, birthdays aside, this is exactly how I felt to be divorced. I will never forget where I was when I found out. People of my generation and older will tell you that they remember exactly where they were when Princess Diana died, or when the Twin Towers were hit, and I can remember when the divorce came through in full Technicolor. I know exactly where I was and exactly what I was doing. I was in Lidl choosing which children's yogurts to buy. My ex sent me a text to tell me the news. It was so surreal, all those days, months and years of heartache and bravery and fighting to be free, and it all came down to a text in the fridge section of Liddle. That's it all over. The moment was nowhere near as big as I felt it should have been. It needed a full marching band and maybe a six gun salute to acknowledge what we'd just been through, what we'd survived, not some cold dairy products and frantic shoppers. I felt like I wanted to tap people on the shoulder to tell them, so I'd at least have someone to bear witness to that moment in history, even though it was just my history that's
21:33
gonna help lots of people reading that, I really
21:35
feel it is very related,
21:39
And I guess, like you didn't get the divorce party, but this kind of really diverse party,
Hannah 21:45
and the people bearing witness, I expect a marching band shortly.
21:53
I've got in terms of questions for Hannah, but I wondered if anybody else did, or if anybody want to ask anything about the book.
22:01
Where do we buy it? How do
22:04
we buy the Kindle
Hannah 22:07
version and buy every version?
22:10
Glad you asked that.
Hannah 22:14
So you can buy the paper copy today downstairs, and I'll be signing if you want that. I don't have to scribble in it if you don't want me to. And, yeah, all the other versions are available online as well.
22:25
You briefly mentioned a little hint of thinking about what's next. What do you think is next? Love,
Hannah 22:34
love stuff. The next book is definitely called How to fall in love. Sober. I thanks to my friends. Yeah, that's the plan, so we can move away from heartbreak and into, how do we find healthy love for ourselves, for, you know, accepting the love that we would like from people, that kind of thing, if someone could take away one lesson from
23:04
us, what would be the main thing wrong to learn from Uber? Can you text me this?
Hannah 23:19
I think it's probably slow down like just take a breath and feel what you're feeling and sleep on it. Is probably the one biggest thing I've learned about everything, even choosing shoes.
23:35
My mom says it will always feel better in the morning. It
Hannah 23:39
genuinely does feel better in the morning sleep. You've got a question, yeah,
23:44
sure. Just say I read the book last week. It's really up. You all buy it. I wasn't treating it as dad and wondering whether or not I was going to be accused of Philip Larkin's failings. But I don't think that. I thought was very kind book, particularly kind towards your ex, and I want to applaud you for that. I found the book helpful thinking about all the kinds of addiction besides addiction, so alcohol, addiction to work, addiction to all sorts of things. And I don't whether you realize I don't have any thought about whether it will have a wider impact than just folks who need to break free of alcohol addiction and bad relationships.
Hannah 24:22
Well, I think that's the thing that from giving up drinking, I was like, Oh, just because you've given that up doesn't mean that you've given up the pattern that caused it in the first place. So it's really nice to be like, Alright, I've done that now. I've given that up, but actually, sadly, now you have to go and work out why you were doing it in the first place, and that's why it's so relatable for everything else, because it's so easy to be like, I don't feel great, so I'm gonna go on a dating app. People can get addicted to that hit of like, just somebody liking you or scrolling Instagram you.
25:01
Yeah, it's brilliant. Congratulations. Raw. It's raw and honest.
25:11
People love raw
25:16
and honest. Out that there was some terrific advice in there, whether you gave up alcohol or not. There's a lot of really excellent advice for anyone who's getting divorced at any point. I wish I'd had the book when I've read
Hannah 25:30
it as well,
25:33
and I really wish, as I said to you in the email, I really wish that the book had been available when I was getting
25:38
divorced. Thank you.
Hannah 25:45
Doing anything else, anybody?
25:49
This is probably time
25:55
question. I just want to say, like a fellow single parent who has created something, I just want to say what a hard thing is to do, and how inspiring I find you to be. And I got divorced. I didn't get divorced sober, but definitely I wish I'd, I'd have that book, and I hope that people will read it and see that there's a life beyond you know the sadness and that actually you can build an even bigger life. And yeah, I just want to say I'm proud of you, and it's a really fabulous book, so please share it with your friends and sharpen the rooftops.
Hannah 26:38
That was me and Katie chatting at the book launch of how to divorce sober last week, the book is out now, and for the rest of the week until 5pm on Friday the 27th of September, you can buy the ebook for just 90 9p i would love your support with this. So if you could snap up a copy, that would be amazing. Have a read and let me know what you think. Thank you so much for spending your time with me today. All the details you need are in the show notes, so be sure to check those out. If you're enjoying the podcast, please do hit the subscribe button and leave a review. It really helps more people find the show, and if you know someone who'd love these stories, feel free to share it with them too, as you know, I love hearing from you, so please do reach out on Instagram at Hana Harvey UK, or through my website, hannaharvey.uk you.
