ï»ż83 - Happiness: 6 Ways to be Happier
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happiness, brain, people, love, boost, day, stress, helps, manage, feeling, hannah, challenge, happy, working, feel, speak, episode, podcast, healthy, self esteem
Welcome to Happily Ever After, the podcast where we talk about life's big stories from breakups and breakdowns to icky secrets, and happy endings. It's the stuff that makes us human. I'm your host, Hannah Harvey, I'm a writer and a parenting blogger at mumsdays.com. I'd be really grateful if you could subscribe and leave a review because it basically means more people can find the podcast. And I also absolutely love hearing from you, so please do contact me through Instagram @mumsdays, MUMSDAYS with any of your stories and any thoughts you might have on the episode or any questions. You can find all the details from this episode in the show notes.
Hello, and welcome to happily ever after. It's me, Hannah. And today I wanted to talk about happiness. Because I was recently invited on my local radio to talk about my thoughts on happiness for international happiness Day, which happened to be my birthday, and the spring equinox. So I did a little bit of research and then came up with loads of lovely things and tools and tricks and got to talk about exactly
three seconds worth of, of what I'd come up with so I was like I'm going to share this on a podcast then.
So,
I think it's like a it's like a weird
goal. You know, people often say I just want to be happy.
And I think as humans,
we are built with so many different emotions, it's hard to actually just be happy all the time, because we just aren't made up like that.
Often, when I think about my own pop psychology, it comes from the film Inside Out. And if you look at, you know what's inside your brain, we've got as soon as you're born, you've got sadness and happiness. So both of these things are necessary to function. And then obviously, there's anger and there's disgust, and fear. And they're obviously all there for a reason. And we're going to feel all of these things, probably most days, so.
But what can we do, to tip the balance to get into feeling happier? I guess, because you can go through days where you just do not feel happy at all. So yes,
we are built for all these different emotions. But how can we get to a place where we're feeling happier, especially when you've been through something traumatic? Or, you know, for me going through divorce and all that kind of stuff that I didn't necessarily want to happen, how can you get to a place where you feel happy about what's happened?
So I'd say firstly,
being able to manage stress has been absolutely huge for getting to a place where I feel happier. So, many of you will know if you've listened to the podcast for a while that I got heavily into yoga, and I'm now a yoga teacher, because it's been so incredibly beneficial for me.
Just being able to get out of that bit of your brain where you're in fight or flight is really important and using techniques to get back in your body and slow everything down, so, using breathing techniques and using yoga.
Just to get yourself away from the back of the brain where everybody's like, you know, that's where we panic. And, and also doing things like accepting where you are right now. I was talking to Penny a few weeks ago about you know, her process and
instead of kind of judging yourself for where you are and how you're feeling, being more like compassionate about what you've been through and what what's going on and not being so focused on the timeline, like, oh, it's been three years, why do I not feel better or
anything like that, just
letting yourself feel what you feel and accepting where you are, at this moment in time is really, really helpful
for managing stress because you don't need to put any extra stress on already feeling stressed if that makes sense.
And the other thing I would say is be very careful when you are stressed to not lean on any old bad habits because that can often make everything worse. So, I remember if I was feeling you know, back in the day when he used to drink I was feeling stressed about something or you know any range of emotions really I might be like, oh, I can't wait for a drink that will make me feel better.
But obviously, there's a knock on effect for these things and noticing if you are doing anything that maybe
alleviates how you're feeling in that moment, but is bad later on is something to really be careful of, because that is not in the long run gonna make you feel better.
Okay, so the second thing is, it's kind of an obvious one, but to actually do things you enjoy, like, are you allowing yourself that time
to do stuff not because you have to, but because you want to? There's loads of things that we do out of duty, and we think we should like, which is all well and good. But what do you actually love? Like, what are the things that you do just for yourself, just for the sake of it.
I remember reading a book by Daisy Buchanan called burn before reading and it's all about this idea of just allowing yourself to read a book because you want to not because it's for your job, or because you want to be smart, or because it's the latest book or whatever. But actually just reading a bunch of books because you want to.
And I love that idea because I was like, I never do that. And then also things like, what are your hobbies? You know, what are you doing just for the sake of it, because in finding these hobbies that are for you, that's when you'll find connection with other people. It's when you'll find community. And obviously, all of those things, then tap back into your happiness levels, because you've spent time doing things that you really love with people that you really love. So simple, obvious, but are you actually given yourself permission to do what you enjoy to do doing.
The third thing is working on ways to boost your self esteem, which
is, it's a bit of a weird one, because it's like, it's inbuilt within us it's kind of the network within our bodies and our brains that we've developed over the years. And it's the way we speak to ourselves. So, you know, we might not even notice that we're doing it because it's just part of who we are and what feels normal. But are you actually speaking to yourself in a way that's pretty horrible?
I still do this on a regular basis, even though I've been working on it for a long time, like, I was looking at some stats this morning, and immediately got into a place where I was like, that isn't as high as it should be like, this isn't working the way that I thought it would and being down on myself being like, I'm not working hard enough, obviously, or,
you know, very quickly went into that space. And I hadn't even noticed it wasn't until I saw my boyfriend and he was like, what's going on with you? You seem to have got out of bed in a quite a negative headspace. And I was like, oh, yeah, it's because I'm beating myself up already.
So it's working on this kind of compassion for yourself, and what you've been through that is going to help with self esteem, like how would you speak to one of your children? How would you speak to one of your friends? If they were in the same
situation? Can you imagine that there's like a little person within you, like a little Hannah, or a little, you know, whatever your name is.
How would you speak to yourself if you were a child, and working on doing that, instead of always immediately beating ourselves up.
And this might not come naturally, because we were brought up in a, you know, a society, which is postwar and a lot of our families have had to go through some pretty tough times we're used to that kind of stiff upper lip. So it's quite can be quite unnatural to have some compassion when you're like, look at all the other people around us and how they're suffering.
So if you find that you can't do it, because you're like, this is utterly ridiculous, try doing something which I found really helpful, which is, I guess it's like based on manifesting. So the idea of imagining what you want,
as if it's already happened.
And you don't have to believe that it's going to work but it helps to trick your brain. So what I do personally, is write down, for example,
it might be in this case to do with happiness. You can write down things as if they've already happened that will make you feel happy. So I'm so happy and grateful that
I've got enough food. Like yeah, I do, but anything that you, would make
you feel gratitude without
without making you feel guilty, I guess.
And ways to be kind to yourself.
I just find that a really helpful tool, I'm so happy and grateful that my children are happy and safe. My, I feel
like I have enough time, that's a big thing for me is feeling like I'm running out of time. So focusing on I do have enough time and I have space to take my time with the things that I want to work on.
All of those help to boosting self esteem.
The next thing to look at, I would say, is your lifestyle. So
trying to make this, it's kind of a boring one and and I guess it can feel like a âshouldâ do. But working on being healthy has such a humongous benefit to the way our brains are wired and happiness levels that it's, you know, really quite crucial. Like, how do you look after a plant? How do you look after your children? It's looking at it as a way to nurture yourself rather than doing it for a punishment, like I ate too much cake at the weekend so I'm going to make sure that I'm healthy this week, but actually doing it in the way that you would for a loved one. So, you know, things for me that I try and focus on the process. So it's what do I need to do on a daily basis that will make, in the long run, help boost my self esteem for one,
tap into the things that I enjoy, how I manage my stress. And for me, these are making sure I move every day. So try and do my 10,000 steps. And as a process that gets me out into nature, which is really incredible for managing anxiety.
Trying to get enough sleep is like huge for mood. Apparently women only produce the hormones they need when they're asleep. So if we don't get enough sleep, we haven't got the right balance of hormones, like we can't do, like they can't be replenished replenished when we're awake. So getting 8 to 12 hour sorry, 8 to 10 hours sleep
in general has a huge knock on effect in terms of how we feel the next day. And then the other thing is just as simple as just making sure you drink enough water.
So I've been advised two to three litres but you know, depends where you're starting from, but just trying to get plenty of water into rather than just living on coffee and caffeine and all the other sugary things that we might have
will have a big impact on how you feel because it's what your body needs. And then you can start to, once you getting the bases there, you can then start to tap into what else do you personally need to feel healthy and start to add them in. And one of them, you know, it might be what do you not need in order to be healthy. Like for me, I need to not go on social media at night, for example, for me to feel healthy. And I also felt like I needed to quit alcohol. And I know lots of people who are finding especially as they get older that drinking is having a massively negative impact on their stress and anxiety levels the following week after having a big night out. So you might want to just notice how you feel after things like that and decide if it's something that you want to play around with doing yourself.
Another great booster for happiness levels is to talk about the thing that you don't want to talk about. So
there might be certain things that you feel a lot of shame around or that you're just not proud of.
Or it could have been hugely traumatic, and it's still living in your brain as a trauma. Getting to speak to
a professional about these things can have a massive impact on getting them helping your brain to process it so you can move on and it's no longer becomes something that you think about.
And yeah, talking about stuff that is troubling you helps gain back your power
and
kind of reduce any isolation that you might be feeling around that thing.
And it also allows the people around you to support you. So speaking to friends, people want to help each other.
So reaching out and saying I've got this thing that I need to be vulnerable vulnerable about is a huge bonding experience in your life.
Um, it'll boost your self esteem. So it goes back to that whole idea of you being compassionate, you're, you're admitting this thing,
which once you've shone a torch on it, it's suddenly like, oh, I don't know why I was so upset about that, potentially.
And just boost connection with the people around you. So it's like a really, really lovely tool.
And then I would say the other thing is working on kind of building resilience. So someone told me recently that every time you do something that you don't want to do, it builds, it makes the bit of your brain bigger, I can't remember which bits of this isn't the greatest example. But it's this idea that every time you do something you don't want to do, even though you know, it's good for you, that's building your resilience. Doing challenging things, doing artistic things, anything that puts you out of your comfort zone. You know, the other day, I was like, I hadn't been to the gym for a week, because I'd been poorly and then getting back into the gym was like, really hard. I didn't know how to get there. So when I finally was like, no, I'm gonna go now even I'm still not quite feeling better. I then felt so much better for the rest of the day, knowing that I'd done that thing that I didn't want to do, because you never regret a workout, do you?
So yeah, just doing things that get you out of your comfort zone and challenge yourself
is really good one.
A few years ago, god, it's like nine years ago now, but a friend reminded me of this recently, I did a challenge with my then two year old son, who is now nearly 12. And we decided, well, I decided we were going to go and visit every castle in Northumberland because there were so many of them.
But it was a way of helping me get out the house more because I was struggling with,
just the day to day life of having a toddler. So giving myself that challenge meant that we actually had something to go out for.
And I love ticking things off. So it's like work within your own, the things that you know motivate you, try and create a challenge out of that. And then you've got something to look back on and be proud of, because you've ticked off something. That's how my brain works anyway.
And then another thing is, you know, turning whatever your negative experiences are into positives, like how can you
use what you've learned to help other people? It might be in going to groups, it might be in, you know, helping a charity, it could be through writing. It could be through art and music. You know, for me, I decided I'm just gonna sit down and start a podcast and talk to people. And now I've got, I don't even know what episode we're on. We're on nearly 80 or something. And
yeah, I can look back and go, wow, I can't believe that I've managed to talk
on 80 different things, that's nuts, but it's something that I can be proud of. Occasionally, I'll look back and be like, it hasn't got the stats that it needs. But, you know, overall, you got this sense of achievement, because I've managed to actually sit and do something and, and just stick with it. And you know, you might not know what your thing is. But I would say
if you've got an urge to do anything, and you don't, you know, you might not know why, but just sit down and go for it anyway. Or not sit down. Like for me last year was getting in the sea. I didn't know why I wanted to get in the sea, but I just knew I did. So did every day for 21 weeks. And I learned a lot of lessons by doing that. And there's also that sense of achievement of not that it matters for anybody else but for me, I knew that I did it. And it was quite fun and it gave me a sense of purpose for a while.
So yeah, and one final thing just to think about is if you stop doing something, you decide you don't want to do something, again,
be very mindful to fill that space that you've created with things that you love and not then being like, oh, I've got all this time and filling it with
negative things that don't make you feel good. So
yeah, and as they say, we regret the things we didn't do, not necessarily the things we did do. So talk about the things you have done that maybe you regret, and start doing some of the things that you really, really want to achieve.
And that will boost your happiness. But then don't forget as well, the other thing about happiness is there is such a thing as over joy.
So if you've ever drunk too much, taken drugs, gone out with the wrong person who maybe makes you feel amazing one day and then terrible the next, you'll know
that when, you know, as the pendulum swings if you go too far, you also have to come back the other way. So just being careful of, we're looking for like a happy medium somewhere in between where you can live in peace, as opposed to like crazy happiness followed by crazy lows.
I would say that that is the biggest thing I've learned probably from my divorce is that I no longer want to chase those massive highs. I want to live in a state of peace and calm and like a quiet contentment rather than, you know, crazy highs and lows because there's too much my nervous system can't take anymore.
So that's my thoughts on happiness. If you've got anything that you'd like to say on the subject, I'd love to hear about it because I imagine,
yeah, it just changes I think as you get older and I'd love to hear what you think. Thanks. Bye.
All right, then. Thank you so much for listening, and I'll see you next time for another episode of happily ever after with me, Hannah Harvey. It would be wonderful if you could leave a review and subscribe. And of course, if you have a friend who might enjoy this episode, please do pass it on. Anything else you can get in touch with me either through Instagram @mumsdays or my website, mums days.com.
