SUMMARY KEYWORDS
dating, apps, meet, coil, life, process, desperate, people, giving, brain, put, bit, notice, friends, swiping, addictive cycle, stories, podcast, hormones, find
SPEAKERS
Hannah Harvey
Welcome to happily ever after the podcast where we talk about life's big stories from breakups and breakdowns to icky secrets, and happy endings is the stuff that makes us human. I'm your host, Hannah Harvey, I'm a writer and a parenting blogger at mumsdays.com. I'd be really grateful if you could subscribe and leave a review because it basically means more people can find the podcast. And I also absolutely love hearing from you. So please do contact me through Instagram @mumsdays, M U M S D A Y S with any of your stories. And any thoughts you might have on the episode or any questions. You can find all the details from this episode in the show notes. Hello, and welcome to happily ever after. It's me, Hannah. And today I'm wanting to talk to you a little bit about being on a dating ban. Because quite a lot of people have asked me about it. And it's something that I embarked on. When did I do it? It was like July, August, September, October. Last year, I actively decided I am not going to date anyone. Because I just felt like I was stuck in a bit of a I kept repeating old patterns should we say and I was dating the wrong kind of people. So I was advised to give this a try. And I even had Amber Horrocks on the on the podcast telling us about her full blown she was put herself in fact, it's called Sex ban. So she put herself on a relationship ban. And I was like, I'm gonna do that too. I think this is really important. So yeah, some of the things that I learned was I was kind of stuck in this loop of desperately trying to find the one in inverted commas. But not really taking the time to work out who that was, or what that might look like all mean for me. And, yeah, I think I was kind of inadvertently on this kind of, you know, to remember the generation game, he was like a conveyor belt. And you had to sit and watch his like things go past and try and remember what they all were. And it was like I was on this sort of treadmill of potentially finding people but being so focused on the angle that I wasn't focused enough on making sure they were the right person, if that makes sense. So and there's something about that process of being on apps, I've talked about it quite a lot recently with various different people. And it just feels like you're giving all of your choosing power to somebody else, because I am almost certain now my theory is correct that these apps are designed to keep you in, in the loop addicted to swiping, because they want your eyes in their app. Because obviously, then you'll pay more money. And that's how they make their money. They need people there. And obviously, the more people that they have there, the more attracts other people because everyone's like this led to people on Tinder or whichever app it is you're using, and you're kind of giving. There's something about the way that you use these apps that puts you in a really weird bit of your brain. Wait, I didn't, you know, once I'd come out of the process, I could see that I was not being fully myself. And I was trying to project this very, I guess an image of myself that I thought other people would like rather than just being like, This is who I am. Like it took me probably three years of being on apps to finally say I don't drink. Which seems like a weird thing to not say it was like, Oh, if I tell people that they'll immediately assume that I'm not for them. Whereas I need them to meet me and see that I'm still really fun. That kind of thing. And I just Yeah, it's a very strange state where you're, it's, it's, it's you're creating an Instagram version of your life to try and attract the right person and they're doing the same thing. And all the while you're like desperately looking, I'm desperate. I'm desperate. I'm desperate rather than being like why am I so desperate? Take a minute like I'm absolutely fine on my own. So that probably leads me to my next point is that I did not feel good enough as a whole person in my own right, being single. So it was very uncomfortable. to then say I am I'm not going to date anybody, for this period of time because I need to learn how to be alone, I guess. And because I'd never done that I'd never been a single person. And pretty much since about the age of three, I think I've always had a boyfriend or you know, somebody in my life or somebody that I'm pursuing. And I think that comes down to self esteem really, and being like, I don't know how to be enough on my own. So this was my chance to be completely single. I know, it wasn't for like the longest time, but it was enough time to be focusing in on my needs, and what I want first and foremost, and being, you know, a good mum to my kids and a good friend. So I'm not saying it was an easy process, but it was a good one to go through. To know that I will be absolutely like, we're all absolutely fine. As single people, we do not need to look for somebody else to fill that. For us. If that if that's going on for you, and you have that feeling of a void. Nobody else is going to be able to put that right for you only you can. So taking that time out to really nurture what I needed in during that process was really an incredible, like quite a gift really. And yeah, it gave me the opportunity to look back and realise that I was kind of addicted to that feeling of meeting someone new. It's It's definitely like the whole app process that we we talked about it with Sophie and I've talked about it with Katie many, many times, the whole like you're swiping, you're chatting, you're potentially meeting and it's all very exciting. And I guess it gives the brain that hit that it's looking for, but it's definitely that rollercoaster like rather than looking for a calm, peaceful approach to finding your person. It's already a roller coaster, before you've even met somebody you're like, anxious I speak I've been speaking to friends recently that are on the apps. And all they tell me is like this is really like anxiety inducing, because you don't know when to message you don't know how much to message, you don't even know if you're gonna like them when you meet them. And you've already invested so much time and effort in. And I also noticed when I was able to step back and look at the process that there is so much potential to be manipulated through an app very early on. Like people can love bomb you, they can kind of pressurise you into doing all sorts of things, almost using like sales techniques on you, before you've even met, so then when you meet them, you kind of there's quite a high pressure point to really make it work to the point where you're like even trying to make something work when it absolutely isn't right. The next thing, which would be point number four, is you get a load of time back when you're not doing something that you were spending a lot of time doing. So you know if you come in, and you know, for me, I'm co parenting so I have 50% of my time when I don't have my kids. What do you do? What are you doing to fill that time if you're not dating? So, that was weird. But you know, I filled it with things that actually brought me joy. So I was doing more yoga, I was walking, I was, this is the period when I was getting in the sea everyday. So I was making a lot of new friends through this connection of cold water therapy. And it was disconcerting having a lot of time and there would be times when I felt sad or lonely. But it was helpful in those moments to notice what my brain would go, "ah you should do this". Like there was a few times when I felt a bit shit about myself and my brain went "ah you should go on the apps". I was like, no thanks brain. I'm not doing that this week. But it was really helpful to know that it's actually kind of, it's an addictive impulse, it can be trying to be get external validation when you feel bad from using you know other people's attention. So that was interesting to notice. But you can fill that time with so many interesting wonderful things and making lots of new friends and new connections and things that boost your self esteem rather than leave you a fucking mess which is, you know how it can be and when you're on the roller coaster of trying to find somebody, desperately trying to find somebody. Number five is that I was able to really notice how much my hormones fluctuate over my cycle. So about, well, I'll tell you the story because in case you haven't heard it, but basically, when I was trying for my youngest, who's now five, I had a coil implant, no, not an implant, I had the coil fitted, and it kind of disappeared, and nobody knew where it went. So, everyone assumed that it must have just fallen out. And then I got a phone call from my GP one day, she was like, I couldn't sleep last night, I think you need to go in for an x ray, I think your coil might be somewhere and I was like okay. So I went in for this X ray. And then it transpired that it had passed through my womb, and it was somewhere in my colon. It was still working. But it obviously wasn't in the right place. So I had to have an operation to get that removed. And as it happened, I had a fertilised egg travelling during that process. And the next week I got pregnant because I didn't have the coil in me anymore. And that's how I have my little girl, which is lovely, because we were trying anyway. So since then, I've been like I don't, I didn't want another coil fitted. And then I read a book called Period Power. And she, her name's Maisie, and she's really not that keen on kind of hormonal contraception and stuff like that, because they're just not really designed for females. They're designed to stop you having babies and that's all people really care about. So as a result, I haven't had any kind of hormone like synthetic hormones since then. And not having another person in my life allowed me to really notice how my like the natural cycle of my hormones, and how the weeks before I'm ovulating, suddenly make me like super needy, like, if you've ever listened to the podcast, which is called Grieving the Maiden, that's all about the bit of you that wants to be looked after and wants to have like the knight in shining armour come along and look after you. And that is exactly how I would feel that week before I was ovulating. And then as soon as I ovulated, I'd go back to being like, I don't need any of that stuff. But it really allowed me to notice that and be very aware that going forward, I need to be careful of where I am in my cycle, as to when I decide I'm going to do certain things, especially when it comes to men. And making sure that I'm not focusing on that needy part of me when I'm making decisions as to whether I date somebody. So that was interesting. And then, yeah, I mean, I've talked about this before, but these dating apps, they are just designed to keep you in them to keep you scrolling, and they use all the psychological tools and algorithms with the specific intention of keeping your eyes in their apps. So I think for me, personally, being someone who is susceptible to addictions, it's like literally the worst way that I can meet someone because I'm, it's tipping me into that addictive cycle in my brain. And kind of putting me into a state of fight or flight. Like there's a fear element in like I am, I've tipped into being desperate, like I need to meet somebody because they're the only way that I'm going to ever feel better. Which I just don't think it's the best way to meet someone, like going into starting a new relationship with self esteem issues like that, potentially allows you to then give them all your power. You're putting them on a pedestal because you're already feeling vulnerable. Those are my thoughts on dating apps, and they're probably not very popular. So you know, if you like them, that's great. And if they can work for you, that's really, really awesome. But I just think we need to be very mindful of how we use them. And just being aware that just because you don't have addiction issues doesn't mean that you're not susceptible to them. Yeah. The next thing I found out is that slow dating is, it sounds so like 1990. But it's really fun. Like, it was a while back in the noughties and like, I guess, the 90s as well, where speed dating was a thing, and you had to sit on a chair with a little table between you and then a man or a woman would appear in front of you, and you'd have maybe five minutes to chat to each other, then a bell would go off and the next person would come. And that's actually becoming a thing again. Like I've had friends who've been speed dating recently, like, it's some kind of retro fun idea, but it's so much slower to date to apps that's for sure, like apps is just the flipping whizzing through the universe type process, Supermarket Sweep. But yeah, like that used to be the speed version of how you date and now that's come back as a retro fun way of slowing down the dating process, whereas actually is possible that I have found since I, you know, put myself on a ban, was that you can, the nicest way I've ever found to dating is taking your time, like making friends with people in a natural kind of calm and considered way. Being able to hang out in a way that isn't pressurised, because as soon as you've connected with somebody with the purpose of dating them, there's already a pressure for it to become, you know, to have a snog or, you know, have sex with them quite early on. Whereas, I really enjoyed getting to know somebody in real life. Being able to like watch people move and laugh and interact with other people is actually where the magic happens. And you can't get that in these manufactured way. And, you know, I don't think actually, we need to be as desperate as we think we are to find somebody else. Because as I say, we are actually fine, on our own. And learning to be completely okay with being on your own is the first step to them finding the right person, because you will not be looking to them for any other reason other than they're enhancing your life. And, yeah, I think being on your own is not the worst thing in the world, but actually being with the wrong person is. So slowing everything down and giving yourself permission just to be like, what's the rush? That is what I learnt from my dating ban. So there you go. Have you put yourself on a dating ban? Would you consider trying it? And how do you feel about finding somebody new at the moment? I'd love to hear from you. So do get in touch if you've got any thoughts on this. Okay, thank you so much. Bye. All right, then. Thank you so much for listening, and I'll see you next time for another episode of Happily Ever After with me, Hannah Harvey. It would be wonderful if you could leave a review and subscribe. And of course, if you have a friend who might enjoy this episode, please do pass it on. For anything else you can get in touch with me either through Instagram @mumsdays or my website, mumsdays.com.
