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Hannah: Welcome to Happily Ever After the podcast where we talk about life's big stories from great sex to sexual trauma, Break-ups and breakdowns. Icky secrets and happy endings. It's the stuff that makes us human. And boy, do we cover it all. I'm your host, Hannah Harvey. I'm a writer and a parenting blogger at Mums' Days dot com. That's M.U.M.S.D.A.Y.S dot com. I would be very grateful if you could subscribe and leave a review because it means more people can find the podcast. And I also really, really, really love hearing from you, so please contact me through Instagram @Mumsdays with all your stories of life and any thoughts you might have on the episode or even questions you want answering. You can find all the details from this episode in the show notes.
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Hannah: Hello and welcome to Happily Ever After. It's me, Hannah, and today I'm joined by Becky, who is Wild Luna Yoga on Instagram, and she's a Yoni Alchemist. Aren't you? Are you Becky?
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Becci: One tries.
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Hannah: Thank you so much for joining me today.
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Becci: You're so welcome.
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Hannah: I really appreciate it. So what do you do, Bab?
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Becci: I love how you've opened with Yoni Alchemist. Um, so just to describe it a little bit for people who are like what the actual is a Yoni Alchemist. So this is definitely a term that I have coined.
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Hannah: Okay.
00:01:35 - 00:04:02
Becci: So when we refer to the Yoni, this is actually a Sanskrit term for the entire womb space, internal and external. We've got everything up in there ovaries, uterus, vaginal walls, vulva, all of it. But unfortunately in our language we don't have a word that encapsulates the whole thing. So Yoni, obviously for me feels very familiar to discuss, but for someone being like Yoni, Yoni like, here's my friend. Um, so we'll often refer to that as womb space. Now that doesn't mean that you have to have a womb at all. Like if you've had a hysterectomy, if you've had certain parts removed. But womb space encapsulates a lot of what we're talking about. So it's the same right as the external part is called a vulva. The internal part of the lower bit is the vagina. So when we're talking about vaginas, actually that's kind of what people refer to as a yoni, but obviously that's not anatomically correct. And not that I want to be like the PC police on that at all, but it really is the same as calling a penis testicles or vice versa. Like the more educated we are about that. And instead of referring to what we see as the outer part, as a vagina where it's it's a vulva, then the more aha. I've just been educated in that. So hence Yoni because that would take up a lot of space on my Instagram bio. So Yoni works perfectly and a lot of the work I do is alchemy. So it is magic for a woman. And then a lot of the work also then involves mysticism. So I was like, I'm going to bang these two words together. Absolutely. Pun intended. And yeah, exactly right. Like, um, and it really means like being able to help a woman feel transformed within herself, within her womb space, within. Yoni Because often. Right, Especially. Women that have had kids, women that have been through abuse, through trauma, through just sex, that just was not enjoyable. And we wanted to shut down. We detach and we numb out. So whilst we might have womb space, now is the time we get to turn that into gold. And that's what alchemy was all about, right? Turning metals into gold.
00:04:02 - 00:04:03
Hannah: Yeah.
00:04:03 - 00:04:42
Becci: So that's what we want to do. We want to think about literally our pussy's glowing up, sparkling like we want to feel so connected and so familiar because we can and based on cultural reasons, our parenting, societal conditioning, we're like, Oh, no, I don't want to talk about it. Or like, it's down there or, you know, Right. And actually, hey, no, I have one of these. I'm all good with owning it. So it's about making a woman feel really empowered in her body and owning her pleasure, owning her sexual organs and her sexuality. So.
00:04:43 - 00:04:48
Hannah: And how do you do this? What are you doing with your clients? Tell.
00:04:48 - 00:07:01
Becci: With your yogis. So, no, there's. There's never direct contact. Right. Um, but I do a vast range of things. So I started out teaching yoga and that's actually something. So I had after my first daughter, who's now just turned 12 and I had terrible postnatal depression and I went to a weekly Ashtanga class and had weekly counselling. And the combination of the embodiment and the talking therapy literally saved my life. Like, I really don't know what would have happened had I have not had this medicine. Um, so for me, I was like, Oh my goodness, I want to share this. Like I need to help out other women. I want someone if even if I can just make one other mother feel that they're cared for and listened to, like I've done my life's job, that's it. So I love doing that. And then as I was progressing through my journey, um, I was like, There's more to this. There's more that I want to offer. And so I was like, okay, cool. I'm really into Reiki, I'm really into crystals. Like, let's do that path and see where that takes us. And a lot of like shamanic practices too. And then I was like, Yeah, I love that. But I'm, I'm still not like, still not there. These women are coming to me with something and I'm helping them in a way that I haven't quite put a label on yet. So with crystals and Reiki, I then developed that into Yoni Alchemy. So there is like imagine womb space, obviously externally being like covered in crystals, receiving loving Reiki. So there's lots of young ness when that happens. And like bodywork as we've worked together before on that, um, is, is fundamentally important because you know, particularly mothers who are being touched because their kid, they're like, Oh, let me touch you or like, you know, it's not like breastfeeding or the grabbing your hair and you're just like, Oh, I love you, but like, oh my God, stop grabbing at me all the time. Or we might have a partner that's also then like, also love me, love me. Love me. Yeah. Right. And then the ability or even say during labour, during smear tests, during like doctor's appointments, we're being touched. But in a way we're like, oh, just get the fuck off. Right. Yeah.
00:07:01 - 00:07:03
Hannah: Like this is not comfortable.
00:07:04 - 00:07:43
Becci: This is not what I want. So actually we are craving, we're craving other human touch and not I can't speak for everyone, but like, especially during lockdown. Oh, like the amount of, um, well, the lack of touch, the huge impact that that had for our nervous systems was major. We are, we are born sociable creatures. We are born to connect with others. When we connect through polyvagal theory, like we're right in rest and digest, we feel very comfortable. So we're able to connect, like we're able to have that social ability turn on. So when the world was like, You can't see anyone that you love, don't go near them, the world will end and it will be your fault.
00:07:43 - 00:07:45
Hannah: Yeah, you will kill your loved ones.
00:07:45 - 00:09:23
Becci: You will kill your neighbours nan, if you look at her, you know, you know. Oh, God. But even though obviously we had to go along with policies and procedures, you know, for the health, it meant that we started not receiving as much touch as we would want. And so for a woman to have touch, that obviously, of course consensual, always at the like, foremost of it, um, and in a very loving holding way where there isn't anything expected where that woman can just go, ah, and just surrender into her feminine completely. So I was like, Oh, this is incredible. Like, I want to do more and more of this. So I mean, we've done bodywork together, right? So we know that it's never head to toe massage. We follow 60 Minutes and this is the sequence. Like, it's never like that. You get a woman in front of you, you like, you sit with her, you talk with her for ages beforehand. You're like, okay, cool. Let's give you what you need. Let's make you feel fricking unique. Let's make you feel wonderful in your body again. Yeah. So then that then developed into nervous system work, which I love to geek out about. Um, so you will have to, like, give me that, uh, when you see me just go off on one. But nervous system work for women is just, just fundamental for our sensuality and sexuality because we need to feel safe in our bodies enabled to even be aroused but soft enough to receive as well, open enough like feel safe and secure. So I started doing more and more work into that. I then did sex coaching like that just opened up and oh my goodness, I just love it.
00:09:23 - 00:09:26
Hannah: As in like Gillian Anderson in sex education.
00:09:27 - 00:09:39
Becci: Uh, similar in that she's a sex therapist, right? So she'll get someone to come in. It's very like chair based, couch based, which we kind of really see in only like psychoanalytical kind of Freud union work.
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Hannah: Sat with a notebook being like. Oh, really? Up your bum. Okay.
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Becci: Tell me more about that. Oh, an anal fixation. Okay. What would what was your mother and father like when you were pre-verbal? I mean, the thing is, we do actually talk a lot about childhood parenting, conditioning that. So actually, a lot of my background is I work for a mental health charity for ten years, well, nearly ten years that, um, that definitely comes in. And I'm so grateful for that opportunity because it showed me the other side of stuff. Yeah. Um, so, yeah, with the sex coaching for me, the part that wasn't my cup of tea necessarily was the mechanics. Try this toy and this. Even though I'm banging lube, which is a CBD lube, which is the one.
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Hannah: Please tell us and we will link to it in the show notes.
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Becci: Yep. Abso frickin' lutely. Like that's. That is the one my friend. Um. Or like this position or get him to do blah blah blah, you know, stuff like that. Like it wasn't the nuts and bolts for me. It was a lot about the nervous system. It's a lot about communication, um, a lot about intimacy and pleasure. But for me, see, whereas I won't work with men or even couples, for me, the priority is always the woman and is making that woman feel like a goddamn queen. When she comes in, she gets everything that she needs, everything. If she needs to talk to me for the whole session, that's what she does. If she's like, Just touch me, I need to be touched, like like just tickle my hair and just do pretty things. Like, fine, that's what she gets. If she's like, Becky, I'm really ready to be, like, pulled open and hair pulled and expansive. That's what she gets, breast massage, you know? So there's a lot of there's a lot of what are you craving and let's work with that. So it's it's very intuitive, very, um, gives that woman permission to be like, hey, this is what I need.
00:11:26 - 00:11:32
Hannah: Yeah. And you can't get that from the nuts and bolts all the time. Maybe occasionally you can be like, you could try this, but.
00:11:32 - 00:12:02
Becci: Yes, I'm like, thanks for that position. It's mind blowing and that's what we do, Right? Great. And there's nothing that, you know, that work is really, really important. But for me, sex with a partner or partners is the sort of cherry on the top when we talk about another or bringing another in. That's. Like quite far down the line for me, making a woman feel very sensual in her own body and in the day to day experiences is the place that I like. That's that's my fave.
00:12:02 - 00:12:37
Hannah: Okay. This is perfect because I have got many friends who are in a place in their relationship where they're just not into sex anymore. They've completely lost interest. And I don't know whether it's a relationship thing or post motherhood or perimenopausal stuff or what, but it's it feels like, you know, it. Never mind your partner. It's not mean because then you're just doing service sex. You're just seeing to them. And that isn't good for you either. If you're just doing it for the sake of someone else, like they need what you're talking about.
00:12:38 - 00:12:46
Becci: Yeah, yeah, yeah.I love that you call it service sex because my husband and I joke about it, but we used to call it maintenance bones.
00:12:46 - 00:12:50
Hannah: Yeah, like. You need it. It's the glue in the relationship, but equally.
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Becci: Yeah.
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Hannah: It needs to be consensual. And if you're just doing it for somebody else, they're not going to enjoy it either.
00:12:57 - 00:13:20
Becci: No. And the difference is with that as well and you've touched on a really good point, is that even though we might say yes, even though we might lie down and we're like, oh, well, I'm with a loving partner, we're in love, like this is consensual, I obviously don't feel that this is abusive, but if you're like, Oh, I kind of would rather be doing like 297 other things right now.
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Hannah: Yeah, right.
00:13:21 - 00:15:37
Becci: Womb space is actually not consenting. So even if you're like, Yeah, okay. And even if it feels kind of like, all right, and you're getting wet, you are lubricated and it's Oh, oh, yeah. All right. Okay. Or even if there's nothingness, it's numbness or even. Oh, my goodness, the worst discomfort, right? We actually don't have consent from our bodies or from womb space. So we're going against what our womb wants us to do. When we start doing that, we're saying no to ourselves and stepping into how we want sex to be. Now, when we think about, you know, that kind of question about quality over quantity, that's what we want. We want it to be. And they don't have to be full body, mind blowing orgasms and everything. There's candles and rose petals. I mean, if there is right, great. But we want something that feels pleasurable and that doesn't even mean climax. So we often think about sex as right. And especially for men, right? 0 to 60, that goes from nothing to ejaculation. That's the end. And we have porn to thank for a lot of that. And believing that that's really what sex is about is you know is pleasing a man and it for sex finishes when he finishes. So a lot of this you know is conditioned into us even if we don't watch porn you know this is what our peers. This is what our friends when we're growing up, you know guys are watching. And if someone hasn't reached out to them and been like, Actually, son, let me just tell you the real like how the birds and the bees work. A woman really likes this, but obviously speaking in a heteronormative term like that, um, but if they if they're not being guided by something or especially when we're younger and we're having sex, like we don't really know what we want, we don't really know like what works for us and what feels good again, we're kind of going what we see in the movies, how a woman just comes in ten seconds. I mean, firstly, 15 times, 15 times again and again and again. Oh, my God. First time it was amazing. Right? So we're being like dubbed into. It's like when you see in movies when a woman goes into labour because her waters break. Yeah. You know, there, oh the baby's coming. The, the crown is right but
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Hannah: 48 hours later for me.
00:15:39 - 00:16:00
Becci: Right. Thank you. We know that a precipitous labour, i.e. when the waters break before anything else happens, is actually quite rare. That's not how every birth starts. Despite even in 2023, seeing movies where the woman is standing there and she's in these like Jimmy Choos and she's at lunch and then, oh, my God. Right, like that.
00:16:00 - 00:16:03
Hannah: Did that not happen for you?
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Becci: No, I mean, actually second time. Um, and that's a long story, but yeah, it does. A precipitous labour is actually more rare than it is common. Um, that's not what we're here to talk about today. Um, so, yeah, so there are, there's a lot of conditioning about what sex should be or who it should be for. So if we're doing these service sex sessions or maintenance bones, like 2 to 3 times a week, we could Oh, yeah, we have sex all the time. We have sex all the time. It's like, okay, great. Is it good sex? Is it good sex? Do you like it? Are you enjoying yourself? Are you aroused even if it's not climatic? Are you aroused? Uh, right. And then we start looking at things. Okay, cool. Let's talk about that. How does it make you feel? Right. So much rather a decent session over many nonsense sessions. We're not here for subpar sex. And as a woman gets older and as we become mothers as well, like, there's the whole, oh, like sex kind of dwindles as we get older. Abso freaking lutely. No, Like, we know exactly what turns us on. We're much more likely to be like, I want to do this. I want to try this, right? Whereas when we're younger, kind of eager to please, you know, and we do it for our we do it for someone else. But then when we step into motherhood. You know, we kind of get to sit on the throne and wear this crown and be like, Oh my God. Like, look what my body has achieved. Look what womb space has achieved. From now on, she gets treated like a queen or it's no go. So we just start claiming more and more so the more confident people do.
00:17:46 - 00:17:47
Hannah: Some people do.
00:17:47 - 00:18:07
Becci: Some people do. Of course. Right. But that is there. There's there's the there's the mysticism of becoming a mother and how we get to be like, wow, I'm kind of the wise woman now. Like I made a frickin kid. I'm not going to put up with having shit sex. Right? So that's even if we're not saying it, we we deserve. Yeah.
00:18:07 - 00:18:17
Hannah: And some of these people that are just not into sex, maybe that's the connection they haven't made. Their womb is literally like, fuck off unless you're going to treat me right. So you're therefore not interested.
00:18:18 - 00:18:24
Becci: Think about sex education as well. Right? It was either bleeding or babies. That's what your womb is good for bleeding or babies.
00:18:24 - 00:18:25
Hannah: Oh, my God. What's a clitoris?
00:18:27 - 00:19:06
Becci: Oh, where?! Right. So and so. Izzy had my oldest. She had sex education, I think year five or year six. And she came back and she went, Mommy, you'd be really happy. They actually said the outside part is a vulva and not a vagina because I had pre prepared her for this. I was like, If they even dare try and tell you that that part is called a vagina, I need you to put your hand up and correct them. So she came back and she was like, Mommy, you know, they said what you said? I was like, yes, winning. And so even even the language from a young age, I've got two girls. So right from the get go, it was never a nooni or like whatever baby word, Right?
00:19:06 - 00:19:06
Hannah: Ours was doo dah
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Becci: But you wouldn't call your elbow something random or you're not like anatomically. Right. Let's let's get it right. So even though it's funny because my husband was, well, uncomfortable with it, like, oh, like a two year old being like vulva was like legend, freaking love it. So again, it's that it's it's making our kids feel comfortable in firstly speaking to what it is and giving it its correct name. Um, you know, that isn't necessarily for everyone, but when we think about trans generational guilt, shame, societal, cultural that gets fed through, we kind of need to be like, okay, cool, well, how can I change this moving forward? How can I help? Um, you know, our daughters. Yes. But also, like our sons, be aware of what really, what really it's all about. So, yeah, during sex education, it's like bleeding or babies is really not much about pleasure at all. And that it is mechanical and that it's designed for a man to ejaculate and for the woman to get pregnant again. Heteronormative. Right. But it's so we're missing out on the fact that, um, well, we can just do it for pleasure.
00:20:17 - 00:20:18
Hannah: Yeah, let's just do it for fun.
00:20:18 - 00:21:19
Becci: And, you know, one day you'll enjoy it. Right. It's that, it's that type of thing. So yeah, there's a lot there's a lot of detachment, especially after we have kids perimenopausal. So we're like, we're dry, you know, and we're like, Oh well, like that's a noticeable difference. Sex is uncomfortable. Like again, that's where like a lube is fantastic. Um, but it's really that understanding because there's a, there's a thing called arousal non-concordance. So we might be mentally turned on but actually like, oh I'm not producing any lubrication, I'm quite dry like what's going on. I thought I was turned on. So it's having the mind body relationship is really important like as to what is going on. Um, and after we have been through something like birth is trauma at the end of the day, like it's a trauma to the body and the mentally, come on, let's face it. So that where we detach, we numb out similar if we've had a C-section. Yeah, that whole part of us we can be like, doesn't really exist.
00:21:19 - 00:21:20
Hannah: Yeah.
00:21:20 - 00:21:37
Becci: Or our boobs regardless if we're bottle or breastfeeding like milk's going to come through. So all of a sudden we've got these two fricking beach balls on our chest and they hurt. Oh, my goodness. I remember the first time you got into a shower and even the the pressure of the water, uh, was like, I have gone full..
00:21:37 - 00:21:40
Hannah: Spraying everywhere and you're not in control anymore.
00:21:40 - 00:21:56
Becci: No. So we become detached with the body. If we've had an episiotomy, if we've torn, you know, scarring, we kind of like, oh, I don't want to look. It's a it's a mess. And you know that saying, Oh, it makes me literally makes my ovaries curl up. Um.
00:21:56 - 00:21:59
Hannah: It's like watching your favourite pub burn down.
00:21:59 - 00:22:00
Becci: Um, exqueeze me what?
00:22:01 - 00:22:03
Hannah: So awful.
00:22:03 - 00:22:48
Becci: Ridiculously awful ridiculous and things. Terms like the husband stitch, right? Like back in the day doesn't happen now, but bloody hope it doesn't. Um so yeah, if a if a woman had torn during birth like that whole kind of, oh, the husband or the, the father would give them some extra money to like sew it up a couple bit, a couple threads more. So it was tighter. Oh this stuff is right. Exactly. So how are we going to be like, Oh my goodness, my pussy's actually beautiful after I've had a kid. Like, we're not, we're going to be like, I don't want to look, I don't even have one. I'm I'm pissing blood from it. Like, absolutely not. Right? So we are we're so a lot of the sensuality coaching that I do with women are part of the homework is to get like this beautiful small handheld mirror.
00:22:49 - 00:23:16
Becci: And often I remember being the same after Izzie had stitches and I remember without looking, I was like, I'm not fucking looking. But I could feel like a bit of my thread poking out. And I was like, That is Oh my goodness, I can't even imagine. Um, I didn't have the same with Willow, but I remember, um, just that sensation of being like, if it feels like that and in my head I've got this, like, engorged thing going on.
00:23:16 - 00:23:18
Hannah: Like, a massive gash.
00:23:18 - 00:23:36
Becci: Yeah, like a like a gash. Fucking hate that word. So. So I get them to buy, like, either a very beautifully ornate, decorated handheld mirror or getting one and then applying crystals to it or glitter or just making it really special. So subconsciously we understand this is like a thing of beauty.
00:23:36 - 00:23:37
Hannah: It's ceremony.
00:23:37 - 00:26:01
Becci: Yes, it's ceremony. Exactly. It's having, um, like a I'd love to talk more about this in a bit. Like, um, kind of awakening our sensuality, but get them to have a bath and candlelight and massage with oil. So they do like, they feel downregulated. They feel safe in their own bodies because we can't tell another woman how to feel safe in her body. So whatever she needs to do, but say so it's low lighting, right? And there's no full length mirror near us, But again, a small handheld mirror and be taking a couple of breaths. And if it's the first time that we've looked for, even for a while, just you don't even have to have children. But like this is great to do during menopause. It's great if we're not that familiar. Like if we, um, if the menstruation products we use aren't don't involve, like, much touch. So if we use pads instead of like a mooncup or whatever, so deep breath and then just taking the mirror down and just seeing a part. So we might just see like the outer parts, like even where the thigh meets the outer labia like. And that might be enough for the first time. So nervous system work, right? That titration is bit by bit by bit nice and slow. If that feels okay, we're willing to go a bit more. Just moving the mirror around and checking out other angles and bit by bit by bit until we can kind of see the whole vulva. That if the woman feels safe enough to expand on it bit by bit and over the weeks, we then get a bigger mirror. Obviously, this is something she does in the privacy of her own home. Not like I'm not there watching. Yeah, but I mean, eventually there's a lot of stuff that I do want to do, but that will come down the line. Um, and then seeing herself naked in a full blown mirror, like head to toe, that takes a lot. Oh, my gosh. It takes a lot after you've had a kid to be able to actually look in the mirror. Yeah, and that doesn't mean to say you have to love what you see. Right. But it's just to be like, okay, right now, this is what my body is doing, This is how my body looks. Okay, cool. Right now, this is how womb space is. And so bit by bit by bit, we just bring in the like it's almost a reintroduction to our bodies, to our vulvas, to our vaginas to be. Okay, cool. It's different. My body is different now. But I'm going to try and work with what I'm working with. So you see how at this point, sex with a partner is so far away?
00:26:01 - 00:26:02
Hannah: Yeah.
00:26:02 - 00:26:18
Becci: So far away because we're coming home to our bodies. Um, so that covers like, a lot of the work. Yoni Steaming. Oh, my goodness. Yoni Steaming is absolutely incredible. Postpartum And that's what it was for thousands of years ago. That's how we would heal postpartum.
00:26:18 - 00:26:18
Hannah: What is it sorry?
00:26:18 - 00:28:21
Becci: Um, so. Yoni steaming, so, um, being over a bowl of boiling water. Um, and there are safe ways to do this. So, like, it isn't for everyone and there are contraindications, but it's essentially you. You are either over a bowl of hot water or you might have like a sauna thing in a sink because you have proper yoni steam sauna boxes that you can sit on, wrapping yourself around with a towel and a blanket and being open. So you're you're naked. I mean, you can have clothes upwards, but obviously you want womb space to be exposed and you gently just sit. And it is, you know, like when you steam your face over a bowl, it's exactly the same thing. So we check it for temperature. Like, as I said, there's lots of like, don't just go try this at home because I'm just there. But, you know, there's lots of things that we have to check out. Um, but yoni steaming is such a beautiful way. So we, we don't do it when we're bleeding and postpartum. We do it like, as soon as the kind of bleeding has stopped. But it softens the uterus. It helps, uh, what it can do, You know, it's so powerful that, say you've had your tubes tied or like you've had the where they've actually been like cauterised. So to stop the eggs coming through because it heals scar tissue at such a quick rate that if you've had that done and you do not wish to get pregnant, it's an indication because a contraindication, because it can soften that scarring tissue and open them back up. Right? So there's no, um, it's not unbearably hot. It's not because we're saying I've just seen as well. Bloody hell. One of the Kardashians have released these gummies. Did you see how my story sounds like release gummies to make your pussy taste a certain way? You know, like the whole urban myth about having pineapple for men makes their semen taste different. So she's done this like, um, it is full of vitamins and actual healthy stuff, in fairness. But some of the way that it was marketed is very much like about it tasting sweeter.
00:28:22 - 00:28:24
Becci: Yeah. So the vagina is.
00:28:26 - 00:28:27
Hannah: Very man focussed.
00:28:27 - 00:30:36
Becci: Partner focussed. So, um, it's self-cleaning. So it's not to say that you're trying to clean it. It's not to say that the smell isn't right and we're trying to change it with different herbs and stuff like that. It really is to help so much, um, healing really, and softening through so it can lengthen a period, it can shorten a period depending on what herbs you have. If there is, if we're working with thrush, if we're working with UTIs, it can player all of this out. It really is. But imagine like it's it's just steaming water and it's the vapour. So it's not like you're not douching yourself. It's not like a freaking boiling douche. It's not that very, very gentle. It's very soft. You work with your body, um, and trying. In traditional Chinese medicine, we believe that anything, um, disease comes from is stagnant energy. So imagine that you're bringing warmth back into womb space, warm blood, a fresh flow of oxygen. You know, we're getting the movement, the uterus space or womb space element is water feminine. So we're honouring that kind of magic that moves through. So that can be deeply healing too. So when we realise that we don't just have to either bleed from it or have babies from it and we're like, you know, or even orgasm and saying we're having great sex, amazing. But actually we can go even further into this healing. We can go even deeper into this journey. And it really is about learning more about ourselves, but awakening the sensuality is just delicious. So you see again, partner stuff way down there, even if you're like, okay, I've had my six week check, we're okay to have sex. Like, even if you're ticking that box and no, thank you. Um, we want to feel it is there is a part of it that feels like doing it for the first time. But this time we get to be older and more educated and more having a long list of non-negotiables about what we want. So when we have a bit of that awakening and like, say we're having a bit of a conversation, you know, someone listens to this podcast, I'm like, Do you know what? I'm actually done with a maintenance bone. I'm really over lying down on the floor. On the floor. I just love it.
00:30:36 - 00:30:38
Hannah: You're so filthy
00:30:38 - 00:30:49
Becci: On a bed or wherever. But it's yeah, it's, it's that we, we get to, um, yeah, we get to be like, Hey, this is what I want from now on.
00:30:49 - 00:30:50
Hannah: Yeah.
00:30:51 - 00:30:53
Becci: And connecting back into that.
00:30:53 - 00:30:54
Hannah: Yeah.
00:30:54 - 00:31:25
Becci: So there's a lot to be said. So where I do sensuality coaching, I have this where we work with Yoni Egg, so a crystal egg that we insert into the vagina. So this is a three month coaching program because it's so in-depth and must be at the rate that the body and womb space give consent. So even when I get women coming to me and I give them their egg, like present them through ceremony, like it's very elaborate, it's very beautiful because we really want the subconscious to be like, Oh my gosh, this is so luxury.
00:31:25 - 00:31:27
Hannah: So special
00:31:27 - 00:32:35
Becci: Like so seductive. I'm into it. Even if she's like, Becci, I'm so ready to take that egg home and insert it. I'm like, with love and light, of course it's your body. And if you're absolutely wanting to do it now, I'm never going to say no to you. But I don't teach insertion and release until the second, if not third week of our coaching together because we want time with the egg to yes, to merge energies, you know, and to honour the magic sort of side of things and create a beautiful altar for it and be like, Wow, this is this is an investment in myself and my sensuality, but also because we're trying to work at womb space like pace and how quick she wants to move. Because if we if we've had abuse, if we've had trauma, if we've had like birth, you know, where we've had or even smear tests and examinations where we've said yes because we kind of know we want in a way we we've got to. But womb space is like, no, please don't put that speculum inside me. Oh, please don't use freezing cold lube. Please don't. You know there's just so much. Oh, great.
00:32:35 - 00:32:36
Hannah: Crank it open.
00:32:37 - 00:36:30
Becci: Yeah. Shining a torch into me while my knees are in stirrups. Like I'm having a great time, you know? So there's so much that we even like verbally have to. Well, we never have to write, but that we agree to. But womb space is like, Oh, fuck, I really don't want to be doing this right? So there's the whole point with Yoni eggs. Like we might even introduce the egg to the vulva and that's it. Like might be just an external introduction and that's it, That's enough for one day or even a week. We want to be. Aroused and excited. Yes. Not that it's for pleasure, but because we're ready and we feel safe and secure enough when we act from like nervous system regulation space and we're like, Oh, okay, cool. This is my journey. So I have a client that, you know, has never inserted the egg at all. But all of the work that we do around it is so fundamentally important to her sensual awakening and to just finding empowerment for herself. That's why it's called The Path of the Empowered Empress. So Yoni Eggs just give you some history on those used to be used like back in like Chinese Emperor time and the emperor would have like loads of consorts, I want to say concubines as well. Um, similar thing. And they would use like, you know how, um, back like the emperor, like when we've done our magic school and research and stuff like that. It's all about longevity. They wanted to live forever. They wanted to be immortal. So living as long as possible was really important for them. And Jade is is a very good luck is a very prosperous crystal that we see a lot in Chinese culture. And so they used to use eggs from and we can still get them now obviously but from jade and that you know, that's real potent kind of work because they wanted you know, they wanted to keep the emperor interested. They wanted to kind of, you know, be in his like top three or his main squeeze on the side. Um, you know, so the queens, the consorts, they would, they would do this, you know, to try and not necessarily like we have to be really clear here is not not to have had a tighter vagina like that's something that we really culturally need to drop. Um but that you know she was able to step into her sensuality and like own the space so they would use jade eggs to do this, um, because it's very different. So, you know, we hear about kegels, we hear about vagina weights and the idea of like squeezing and squeezing and squeezing and making it tighter and squeezing and all of this that is literally 50% of the argument. And the reason for them as women, we are hyper tonically tight, which is typically actually and not just birth, but where prolapse comes from or incontinence. Because if you imagine there still muscles, they still fatigue. Imagine you've been pulling your belly and pulling up on the pelvic floor or as we say, like pelvic diaphragm. It's not a cold, flat, intimate object like very much not. So we're squeezing, we're pulling in, we're trying to be skinnier. We're trying to look good in this photo, that photo that actually the muscles go, screw this, I'm out. Oof! And then they just release and then we feel the numbness and it's really hard to and we have to really do the work physically, mentally, emotionally and even spiritually sometimes to like, feel alive and awake and heal after prolapse. So when we know that and, you know, even things like, um, bouncing back after a baby and again, things like the husband stitch and all of this just absolute nonsense, there is so much pressure, societal pressure for us to get that tight pussy again for our partners, right? Like, oh my God, please do one. So that, um, it's all about the release. So we insert an egg, but then we do exercises around with the emphasis actually on being. Release.
00:36:31 - 00:36:40
Becci: Right. Notice how you just took a deep breath. When did that? Your mouth opened, your jaw softened. I bet you any money that somewhere in the pelvic diaphragm, it just went. Ah.
00:36:40 - 00:36:45
Hannah: Okay. All the muscles in my back just went. You don't have to be tense.
00:36:45 - 00:36:47
Becci: You don't have to carry this nonsense.
00:36:47 - 00:37:05
Becci: This isn't yours. Right? So when we work with it. So again, even though there is a deep, beautiful magic side of this, there's so much for me that's also nervous system based. Like, I really do love the clinical science. I do find it very sexy, or at least I try to combine them both to make it very sexy.
00:37:05 - 00:37:06
Hannah: So sexy.
00:37:06 - 00:37:41
Becci: But the science is just so. Um. So yeah, like when we, when we get to kind of relearn that and re-educate and therefore empower ourselves and we're like, Oh no, I don't have to be doing my kegel squeezes and squeeze and squeeze, squeeze and squeeze all the time. It's actually. But when you soften the walls, when you open your mouth and when you take an exhalation, we move into rest and digest. The nervous system feels so much more safer as opposed to when we squeeze in, when we're really tight in the mouth, when we take gasps in, we go into fight and flight.
00:37:41 - 00:37:41
Hannah: Yeah.
00:37:41 - 00:37:45
Becci: So opposite. So imagine like having sex when we're like.
00:37:45 - 00:37:47
Hannah: Trying to squeeze and.. yeah.
00:37:48 - 00:37:54
Hannah: It becomes like friction. That's. That's not hot. Not
00:37:54 - 00:37:56
Hannah: Friction is not hot.
00:37:56 - 00:38:49
Becci: We've all been there so that like, the easing into it. Like, I swear down, when I started my yoni egg practice, it changed my life literally changed my life my whole I don't I don't think I knew you before. Um, like, my branding is, was the way that it is. So used to be my Pisces sign. So very watery, very astrological stars, even though I have moons now. But it was all blue and pink and purple and kind of twinkly mermaid y vibe, right? Yeah. And when I did this work, I was like, Holy shit. No, it's my Aries moon sign that needs to come through. I had to burn everything down metaphorically and literally, and it was deep blood red. So that real fiery Aries energy came through and I was like, This is how I need to live my life and I'm going to do this in every single aspect where, where possible.
00:38:50 - 00:38:52
Hannah: Pisces and Aries Cusp.
00:38:53 - 00:40:40
Becci: So Pisces Sun. So my star sign is Pisces, but my moon sign is Aries. So like so my Pisces, even being like the creative, the healer, the art, that sort of romantic notion. And then Aries being like the fiery one, the driven one, the like warrior esque kind of energy. So when I was like, you know, and I always had been quite a sexual being from from a young age and then having kids, you're like, that went out the window and you kind of you get lost in that fog. You're like, okay, well, I'm a mom now. And yeah, that's what it's for. And it was when I started doing Yoni Egg work, I was like. Uh, for who? I'm just going to spend the rest of my life having, like, sex, which is just. No. No, I don't think so. I do not think so. So, yeah. So I did the work for myself and again, but that was my work. That was like, not for me, because it wasn't that my husband wasn't a generous lover, shall we say, like, awesome. Um, but I was like, No, I don't want you to do that for me. And he'd be like, I really want to please you. And I'm like, No, I just can't be bothered. Like, you just crack on with it. I developed a terrible all over skin rash because of my sexual oppression and like years of trying to work out what it was. And antihistamines like steroid cream that the doctors would give me, even though I did my Chinese traditional medicine, I did ayurvedic, I did all the stuff that we know that you and I would recommend to someone. But it wasn't until I started getting, um, yeah, like actually full on kinky that did that, did that disappear? And in fact, it was Scorpio season, it was Halloween. And we tried some really nice stuff. It was the last day I ever took an antihistamine, ever.
00:40:40 - 00:40:42
Hannah: Oooo
00:40:42 - 00:40:43
Becci: Right?
00:40:43 - 00:41:19
Hannah: So when you're thinking like, we probably need to finish soon. And do you think I don't even know if we can even cover this here or whether we have to get you back on again? But I guess we've got two things here. The one is we you've got somebody who just is so disconnected from their sex life, they're not even interested. So that's kind of what we've been talking about and the stuff you're doing with your clients. But what about somebody who's doing the service sex? Can we kind of end on like how you might reintroduce a little bit of play and a little bit of fun and, you know, some of the Scorpio shit that you've just been talking about?
00:41:19 - 00:41:20
Becci: Scorpio kinky shit.
00:41:20 - 00:44:24
Becci: So absolutely. So again, less from like a mechanical point of view because it wasn't that we necessarily I mean, we did, we did try like being tied up and blindfolded and stuff like that, which is which is cool, which, you know, um, but I had to do the work for myself and I had to be like, I need to feel confident in myself. So when, um, yeah, where we are having service sex. You say, say you brought out 50 different toys and all the blindfolds and all the paddles and everything. If you're not feeling into your sensuality, you're going to see them and be like, No freaking thanks. So that's what I mean. It's not a case of being like, try this awesome vibrator. I mean, don't get me wrong, there's some freaking good ones on the market, but if we are. If we are not stepping into our pleasure and our empowerment, that is still going to be really, really far down the line. So like something, for instance, especially as like it's spring coming up. Yeah, like this awakening. So we're feeling it too, this maiden energy, whether or not we necessarily feel more turned on. But this is the energy of the season. So she's flirtatious, she's playful. You know, she's the adolescent that's about to step into sexual awakening. We see this like physically with the flowers, you know, they're like blooming and pushing up. There's something really freaking phallic about it, right? They're, you know, they're bursting into life. The flowers are starting to to blossom and open to the sun. They're kind of lying back and they're like, I'm ready to receive the sunlight, like, penetrate me. Yeah. Like all the colours. They're literally designed to attract the insects to cross-pollinate. Like, it's this time, it's sexy time. So what can be really nice is basically dating the self again, romancing and seducing the self for our awakening and our arousal. Now one of the things that I recommend being a Pisces, I'm like water being the bath all the time or where you can. But as mothers sometimes we hear like, Oh, I'd love to have a bath. I just don't have time. Or, you know, we've all been there right where we've had a shower and we brought the baby in in a moses basket and kind of put them on the floor. So like, we're still there. We're still two seconds, but the only time and I haven't washed my hair in three weeks and I feel fricking. GROSS Yeah. Or your partner has got the baby downstairs, but you can still hear it crying even when it's crying and you can't relax. So when we have a bath, we're signalling to ourselves, great, This is something I'm not going to hop in and hop out of. Let's take it slow. Yeah. If it means getting the baby or the kids out of the house. Great. See you. Bye. Get someone to do that for you. Light some candles, put your favourite music on, burn some incense, do something that signals to the subconscious. Oh, I'm about to receive something here. I'm about to slow down the amount of women I work with who are like, Oh, it feels really like, selfish. It feels really indulgent and luxurious, right? There's nervous system work there to be done. That's all.
00:44:25 - 00:44:26
Hannah: Yeah.
00:44:26 - 00:44:38
Becci: Especially when we've when that kind of mum guilt. You need to be doing this, do this, do this for your kids. Right? So we're going to try and slow everything down a nice bath either. And you know what my favourite thing to do is?
00:44:38 - 00:44:45
Becci: Yes. Actually, no, my favourite thing to do is. Yes. Pleasure in a bath. Lovely. But reading erotica.
00:44:46 - 00:45:03
Becci: And I am reading a banging book at the moment, which I really need to get some commission from because I'm recommending it to everyone. It's the Hades and Persephone trilogy by Claire Saint Scarlet or No, Scarlet Saint Clement. That's terrible. I don't.
00:45:03 - 00:45:05
Hannah: Well, we will link to it in the show notes.
00:45:05 - 00:45:37
Becci: It's a touch of darkness. And there's more. There's more books of them. And for me. So a) it ticks the box about being mythology. Love it, love a bit of that, but it's delicious. I can't wait to get to bed to read it. I'm so tired. I managed to do two two pages. So that's something because, you know, yes, there's watching porn, which you've been great, but there's a lot about that instant gratification. Whereas when we read it slows everything down.
00:45:38 - 00:45:42
Hannah: And you're imagining, because I find porn to be too in my face.
00:45:42 - 00:45:46
Becci: Yes, literally. Sometimes she'll have it all in her face by many people.
00:45:46 - 00:45:50
Hannah: Yeah. And if you've got any sexual trauma, it's not fun.
00:45:50 - 00:46:06
Becci: No, because you can't, like, close your eyes and just type in the thing that you want and then just hope that you're not going to see some other stuff. Right? It can be highly triggering. Yeah. So if you're like, No, thanks, it's like, okay, cool. I'm just going to put the book down. But you see, that's why I love so reading erotica, yummy. Writing it so like there are.
00:46:06 - 00:46:07
Hannah: Ooo yeah. Tell me.
00:46:08 - 00:48:09
Hannah: Writing erotica for me is one of my absolute, um, creative, pleasurable outlets. I, I just love it. I love it. And I wouldn't say exactly at all anywhere near that. I'm the best writer, but I know what turns me on and I know how to write as if I'm my audience. Because at the end of the day, I am my audience, right? I am that woman that's been through what she's been through. So writing that is so much fun. So you might get like, you might read some stuff and then get some ideas yourself. And you don't have to bloody self-publish on Amazon or write to Penguin, but doing it for the sake of doing it. Oh, it's incredible. There are so many Instagram accounts now that are doing similar. Highly recommend looking for that sort of stuff. So imagine that you're having this lovely relaxing bath. You're reading something that's turning you on. That's amazing. You might then, you know, give yourself a really slow, sensual massage with oil. Maybe you feel confident enough to do it in front of the mirror. Maybe there's dance and you have some sexy music on that makes you feel alive. Um, coming back to what turns you on and that does not mean needing to then have an orgasm, needing to masturbate for orgasm sake. It can just be riding in the arousal. So if we think about we're awakening the spring maiden. Yeah, we're like, Oh, actually that really turns me on. Or I really like the idea of that or like, Oh, let me just reach out and speak to someone about what that might be like, you know? So we get to be curious and playful because at the end of the day, pleasure is play as adults. It's play. So wherever we can, um, we can draw that out. So that's that, that is where it's at. So. Yoni eggs like that's completely for you. Yeah. It might arouse your partner to be like, I'm just popping this egg inside. Right? Okay, great. Sure. Take it, babe, Whatever you want. But when we're like, that's for us, that's when we're empowered. That's when we're embodied, and that's when we frickin find our pleasure.
00:48:10 - 00:48:15
Hannah: Oh, my god. That's, like, the best line to finish on. Becky, thank you so much
00:48:15 - 00:48:15
Becci: Yoi're so welcome
00:48:15 - 00:48:20
Becci: You're absolutely fascinating. I'm going to I feel like I want to work with you now.
00:48:21 - 00:48:24
Becci: Hells yeah. Well, I'm going to come on shortly, aren't I? So let's go.
00:48:24 - 00:48:28
Hannah: Sign me up for some body work, because I didn't get any last time.
00:48:28 - 00:48:30
Becci: What? I didn't touch you last time?
00:48:30 - 00:48:31
Hannah: Nuh uh.
00:48:31 - 00:48:31
Becci: Okay. Promise.
00:48:32 - 00:48:35
Hannah: Next time. Thank you so much.
00:48:35 - 00:48:39
Becci: You're so welcome, my darling. Lovely to see you. Lots of love. Bye.
00:48:40 - 00:49:02
Hannah: Thank you so much for listening. And I'll see you next time for another episode of Happily Ever After with me, Hannah Harvey. It would be wonderful if you could leave a review and subscribe. And of course, if you've got a friend who might enjoy this episode, then please do pass it on for anything else. You can get in touch with me through either Instagram @mumsdays or through my website mumsdays.com
