Today Iâm answering more of your questions, so first of all thank you so much for sending questions in and if you have your own burning question that youâd like me to answer then please do send them in because Iâm really enjoying seeing what everybodyâs got going on and hopefully helping in any way that I can. So you can send me a DM on instagram which is @hharveywrites or you can head to my site HannahHarvey.uk and drop me an email from there.
So questions! Before I get into these questions, there a little bit different to the last episode that I did on questions and answers because they have a slightly different feel to them in that they kind of cover the area which I call âthe dirty secretsâ aspect of life and not because I think whatâs being asked is bad but itâs the bit which we think is bad.
So weâve all got some thing that we think is only our problem and no one else has to deal with it and if anyone were to find out, that youâd be judged and outcast from society or something like that. And I know this because Iâve been through it all and Iâve worked through all of this stuff and itâs an area that I most want to help people because it just simply isnât true. I went through the exact same process, I was hugely ashamed to speak up about certain things but not speaking up about them was eating me up.
At times it was causing me to numb with alcohol, it was causing me to neglect my true purpose and calling in life and not live the life that I deserve and that my children deserve. So it really is that big of a deal to have these things that are hidden that we donât want to talk about. So please, if you take anything from this episode, itâs that your secret is not too bad to say out loud. And I urge you to speak up. To tell somebody you trust or better yet, a therapist that you donât even know because this, for me, was the path to freedom.
Iâll mention a few organisations in the answers here but if you miss it, iâll link to everything in the show notes so you can find the help that you need if you need it.
So the first question is quite a long one but Iâll read it to you and this person says;
âMy ex left a year ago after a series of traumas including his father dying and then having covid. He told me he couldnât cope with our family life and started shutting down from me and all our friends and even the children at times. He was, and still is, drinking heavily. Waking up through the night, sleeping all weekend but functioning at work. We went to two counsellors, one told him they thought he was depressed so he wouldnât go back. The next told him he wouldnât engage and for a year I was desperate to help him. I kept letting him come and go until I realised I just couldnât carry on living in limbo like this. In July I told him to go. Iâm feeling stronger all the time but Iâm still sad and sometimes really shocked that this has happened. No one fell out of love, no affairs. Iâve struggled in a way not feeling like there was a reason. He canât accept that his mental health is not good and get help.â
I have a feeling that this is a very common situation in many relationships. And it might not be drinking, it might be other things where your partner isnât engaging in the way that they used to. And I think the really hard thing here is the idea that there needs to be a reason. There needs to be something bigger than âthis isnât working anymoreâ. Like there has to have been an affair or they have to have walked out on you, or something like that. But sometimes youâve got to just choose a different future for yourself. And I think especially when you add addiction into the mix and you have children, itâs really very difficult.
Iâve done some courses with a local charity called Escape Family Support and they work with the loved ones of people who are addicts. So if you find yourself in this position, your partner is drinking very heavily or doing drugs or some other destructive addictive behaviour, I would honestly recommend that you reach out to something like Escape because they can support you through the process.
And often when youâre dealing with somebody who has addictions, they will come up with every excuse in the book as to why youâre the crazy one and they arenât because thatâs the way the addict mind works, is to try and convince everyone around them that everything is fine, especially functioning alcoholics like the chap here. Heâs working, heâs managing to get to work, heâs doing all the right things but completely unengaged from the bit that youâre involved in. And you donât have to choose that life, youâre allowed to say âI donât want this anymoreâ.
So if youâre still in the relationship, maybe go and seek some advice as to how you can engage with your partner so that they can start⌠They call it âengaging with treatment servicesâ. Because thereâs some really helpful techniques to help you communicate in a way that isnât aggressive. Itâs much more positive, itâs slowing everything down and not being the nag. Being the person thatâs setting boundaries. Making sure that youâre not enabling the behaviour anymore. So I think what this person has done by telling their partner to go is so powerful because you canât change a cycle as the person who isnât the addict, you personally canât change the cycle. Itâs up to them, they have to choose it for themselves. And if you stay, youâre enabling the behaviour to continue and itâs not going to change because why would you. Why would you change when everythingâs the way you want it.
So as I say, Iâll link to that in the show notes but I strongly advise getting as much support as you can with this because itâs really really tough. And you donât need to do it alone and itâs not as unusual as you think. So many different people are experiencing this on a daily basis. From the richest to the poorest, it crosses all walks of life, kids to grown ups to grandads. Thatâs one of those secrets where Iâm like, you feel like youâre really alone and that you canât talk to anybody else but you really must because you need the support to get through it and there is a chance that your marriage doesnât need to end because of it if you can do something now. So thatâs my thoughts on that one.
The background to this ladies question is that she was in an abusive relationship, so her partner was physically violent towards her, then she goes on to say a similar thing to the person before.
So âmy ex is a drinker and doing drugs and out all the time when I was with family or working and I feel guilty because there was no other woman involved and he insisted he never had another woman in the two years since we split.â
And the thing with that is - how do you know? If your partner is out all night, you donât know what theyâre doing, so just because they say one thing doesnât necessarily mean itâs the truth. And I would say whatever is going on there, itâs not in your best interest to stay. But the difficulty with this lady is, it was also an abusive relationship so itâs going to be a really complicated, tangled mess of emotions that she will feel towards this partner and leaving will be laced with so much more guilt and emotional psychological abuse because to stay in a relationship like that, many things need to have happened to get to the point where youâre this desperate where you feel like you canât leave.
So if you relate to this scenario, I highly recommend speaking to your local domestic abuse charity, everywhere in the region has got them, and again I will link in the show notes to a way that you can find yours. But I think thereâs huge stigma around this because people donât like to think of themselves as the victim. And if youâre in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship, the chances are you think itâs your fault. And youâll be regularly reminded that it was because âyou did this and you did thatâ, so itâs really quite difficult to reach out.
A really good thing to watch is the Tina Turner documentary, Iâll link again in the show notes but her describing her relationship with Ike perfectly sums up what that sort of relationship can be like, and if you relate to that in any way, take that as your sign that you need to go and get some support from a charity and they will help you leave. And they will make sure that you stay safe, and they will help you plan your departure.
The other really good one that I read was Big Little Lies. The Nicole Kidman character in that book, the way that she writes about the scenario of her with her violent husband is almost perfection. So again, read that and if you can relate to that in any way, it doesnât need to be physically violent but all the emotional stuff also fits within that criteria. So again that would be a really good one to read just to see if you think you might be in that kind of scenario because itâs not always easy to notice.
Okay so the next one was from a lovely lady, when she split up with her husband, her children are much older, she left. She literally left with the clothes on her back and went to London. And now, a year later, she needs to come home basically. Sheâs missing her friends, her business is here, she wants to come home. So she basically said âHow do I stay in a place that broke me when Iâm not fully healed?â
So I totally relate to that need to flee. So itâs the trauma response of fight flight, or freeze. So often people stay where they are because they donât know what the hell do to so they just freeze. âIf I stay still, hopefully no one will noticeâ, that kind of thing. But when something else happens, another reaction would be to flee and go. And I did the equivalent of that, I was living in the countryside and I just went âI need to get as far away from this situation as possibleâ and went to the coast. Which allowed me to still get my son to school but not be too close to where it all happened.
So I get all that and the funny thing is Iâm now getting to the place where Iâm probably gonna have to move back, but I think my respite at the coast was what really helped. That ability to sort of nurture what I needed for a while, that allowed me to then go back. So to have to stay in the same place, I know loads of people have to stay in the family home or anything like that and I think the key is surrounding yourself with really good things, being super kind to yourself, taking it very slow, having lovely things to do for yourself as much as you can (it doesnât need to be expensive), spending time with friends as much as you can, talking to them, and just basically getting whatever help you can get. Thatâs really crucial. And you know fleeing isnât always everything because you still have your problems whether youâre in London or youâre in Newcastle so at some point we have to open the cupboard and go through the boxes and look through all these emotions that weâve had so I think in some ways being back in the place that, as she calls it here âbroke herâ will actually be incredibly healing.
So thank you so much for all of your questions and please keep them coming in. Iâm getting some absolutely fascinating ones. Not just about divorce, about parenting, about the idea of the fairytale lifestyle and then one day when you wake up and go âoh, this wasnât what I plannedâ and you know, some people are going through the grief of just realising that theyâre a bit older and itâs not what they had in mind. So Iâm really looking forward to exploring even more of the different aspects of just generally getting a bit older and divorce is one of those things but thereâs so many more aspects to this stage in life and moving through it and moving on for the positive. So thank you so much! Be sure to get in touch with all the rest of your questions and Iâll speak to you again soon.
