Podcast 11 - Q&A 1
Hello and welcome to this episode of Happily Ever After with me Hannah Harvey. This week I’m doing it a little bit differently because I’ve been getting questions in and I wanted to start answering them. I think I’ve got a certain version of divorce that fits my scenario but obviously everybody else has so many different ways to go through divorce and different feelings that come up. I’m two years down the road so obviously I’ve forgotten half of it as well so it’s really interesting now that I’ve started to get questions from the community. It’s really interesting to see what comes up for other people.
So, I’m just going to run through some questions and of course if you’ve got any questions afterwards that you’d like me to answer or you just want more of it, you can just let me know via instagram @hharveywrites.
The first question is a two parter from a lady called Barbara and her first part was to say ‘Is there a particular recovery time after divorce?’
And I mean, how long is a piece of string really! I think this one is very dependent on the nature of your divorce. So I’ve got friends who basically just reached the end of the line. They were happily married for a number of years and then they weren’t, so they decided collectively that they would end their marriage and get divorced. And you would assume that that’s just dead easy. ‘Okay, we’re finished, we’ll move on’ but actually there is still a grieving process to go through, especially if there’s children involved and you’re not seeing them as much as you were. It’s the moving, it’s the saying goodbye to the probably quite comfortable life because as two it can often be financially much easier, and just getting used to life on your own.
It all just takes time, so if you then add on a massive fight and court and legal stuff it’s going to take much longer, your recovery time, to get over all these things. and I personally found (if you want more about grief during divorcece I’ve done a whole episode on that) as you go through a new thing that you haven’t done as a single person, it’ll bring up a whole host of emotions that you didn’t realise were in there. So yeah, there’s stages to go through and you can’t rush it. But I would say, mine was a very tricky divorce and 2 years later I feel like I’m more or less recovered.
So, didn’t really answer that one! Is there a recovery time after divorce? Yes, there is. And the other thing that really helps speed this up, I think, is really looking at yourself and your needs and taking time to acknowledge how you feel. Whether it’s happy or sad, because there will be times where you’re like ‘I’m free!!” and then there’s other times where you’re literally hopeless and you just want to curl up in a cave and never speak to anybody ever again. And you have to ride those emotions and be open to actually feeling them, and I think that’s quite essential to the moving on process. If you put something in a cupboard and don’t look at, it’s still in your cupboard. And one day you’ll go there and be like ‘Oh my god, I’ve got all these things that I need to deal with.’ So yeah, therapy, talking to friends, looking at how you actually feel. All of that is going to speed up recovery time, I think.
Then the second part to Barbaras question is ‘how do you move on and find someone new when you have this past?’
I think this is one that I personally have made mistakes in. So it very much requires you to have processed what you’ve gone through because otherwise you’re going to take all of the baggage that you’re still processing into a new relationship and you’ll probably fall into old habits in this new relationship and you might end up in exactly the same position with this new person as you were with the old person. So, it’s really tempting when you’ve had your heartbroken or you’re newly single and you don’t like it to then look for that external validation and be like ‘I need somebody new, anybody, anybody! Somebody love me! I’m really really sad’ and the danger of doing that, as I say, is that you’re just going to repeat old patterns.
So I think, I’m not saying don’t do it at all, because we are going to, and MAN I made some terrible decisions soon after my divorce purely from a place of hurting badly. And it’s all part of life’s journey, I’ve learned so many lessons along the way, that I wouldn’t have learned had I not made those mistakes so you just, you do have to go with an element of like ‘it feel’s right right now and I’ll deal with it if it’s not.’
I do think the chances of finding true love before you’re recovered is maybe not as high as if you have taken that time to get to know yourself and what you truly want from a relationship with somebody else. I’m kind of in that phase now of being like ‘What is it that I actually want.. because I love having my own house, my own space, co-parenting, which means that half the time my home has just got me in it’ and sometimes I’m like ‘Oh I wish there was somebody to have some fun with in this house’ and then other times I’m really focussed on work or just wanting to watch the telly. And I really love the fact that I can do that, and as soon as you start adding somebody else into the mix, that changes. So yeah, my process now is what exactly am I looking for from someone else, and is it definitely because I’m ready or is it because I’m still needing that validation. And it’s a tightrope, and I don’t have the answers for you but I certainly feel like I’m in a much better place now than I was 2 years ago when I started dating somebody fairly soon after the end of my marriage.
Thank you for those questions Barbara!
The next one is from Sarah and we had an interesting discussion about this one but she basically said ‘What’s worse - leaving, or being left?’
Her argument is that being left is worse, because it comes out of the blue basically. And obviously my circumstance is that I am the leaver. What I was trying to say to her is I think it depends on the circumstances. On Friday night I thought I was mostly happily married. No big plans to leave. Then on the Saturday morning the relationship was over. So, I didn’t want to leave, but I had to, if that makes sense.
I feel like my scenario is similar to being left except I chose it because I had to. I felt like that is what I needed from now on, for me to thrive and for my kids to thrive. This relationship wasn’t working anymore and it’s time to go. And there were times when I really didn’t want to have left. It was really hard, I was really sad, and it’s maybe not as bad as being left if it really came out of the blue. I don’t know if you can really compare when everybody’s hurting and sad and even on both sides of the fence everybody’s hurting because it’s a massive change, you’ve been together for a certain number of years, you’ve got children together, you’ve got a home together, it all sucks basically. Those are my thoughts on leaving or being left.
A different Sarah asked ‘Do you ever regret leaving?’ And I guess that sort of ties into what I was saying before. There’s times during the divorce process where you’re like ‘This is so hard, why am I doing this?’
Actually, it was towards the end of the process where we were very nearly divorced, things started to be amicable again, we were having to do things with the kids together, everything was agreed, there was no more fighting in court and suddenly I’m like ‘Oh, he actually seems like that guy again’ and there are moments when you think.. Even now! It would be easier to go back but then, I think it’s all still part of the grieving process.
There are bits of time when something new crops up that catches you out and you haven’t had to deal with it yet so your brain defaults to what it’s used to. So an example for me would be something to do with money. If I have to do any sort of accounting related thing I’m like ‘UGHH I HATE MY LIFE’ and it makes me go ‘I wish I had my ex to come and sort it out for me’ because he was really good at that. So it’s going to crop up and I think it will crop up for a long time because you were in love with this person and they’re your children’s Dad and nothing is linear, nothing really makes sense but what I hold onto is, I kept a diary religiously during those first months and years to remind myself of why and conversations that I’ve had with friends and with my parents, all that kind of stuff, is very helpful to keep in mind because it’s easy to forget. It’s easy to have rose tinted specs once you’ve been through it all and your brain was like ‘Woah, that was really traumatic, let’s forget it all’. But it’s helpful to keep remembering what you now have. And I love my house, my freedom my space and not having to answer to anybody. All I have to do is make sure my kids are safe and healthy and happy and that we’ve got a stable home. That’s all I have to do now. Always the regrets but remember the good bits too.
So Maria said (this is kind of a legal-y one so, I’ll tell you my spin on it but bare in mind I’m not a lawyer, I’m not a therapist, I’m none of the above, I’m a person who’s been through divorce who’s just sharing my thoughts) So Maria said ‘what’s the cheapest way to sort a financial agreement?’
Not in court would be the very quick simple answer. But the way we did it in the end was literally sitting down and me saying I need this, will you agree to it, and him saying yes. It was a long process to get there and for a lot of people that I’ve spoken to, they are dealing with people who potentially…. It’s just something to fight over isn’t it! It’s something to control and when it comes to finances - If, like me, you weren’t very good at them and you didn’t really know what there was, you do need that legal support and financial advice to make sure that you’re really looking after future you. So whichever way around you want to do it, unless you’ve got a really strong handle on what finances you actually have as a married couple I would always go legal. And in fact I’ve got friends who had a very amicable divorce and they both knew exactly what they had but they still made sure they did everything by the book but they still did it legal just to make sure, just so everybody was covered. The cheapest way is obviously over the kitchen table but I would say unless you are super confident, always get the legal advice, even if it’s going to cost you a little bit, because it just protects you and makes sure you get exactly what you deserve, not what you’re being told you deserve.
So I’ve got one more question from Sally which made me laugh.
BREAK
Okay so we’ve been doing Q&A’s from the community, Sally said ‘Were you ever worried that you’d never have sex again?’
So, thanks for that Sally, but you know what actually, I definitely was. I think when I first left I was like, confidence on the floor, really not feeling good about myself at all and thinking I might actually be completely unloveable and no one will ever want to be with me again. Which is a bit depressing isn’t it! But the danger, if you’re in this stage right now, is that you’re going to make some terrible decisions and look for external validation from the wrong people. Obviously you’re going to do it whether I tell you or not, but just be mindful that you will have sex again, you’ll have sex with nice people who really care about you and you are good enough. you definitely don’t need to be trawling through ex-boyfriends or all the people that you’ve ever fancied. Just me? Trying to find somebody to make you feel better about yourself. Because it won’t make you feel better about yourself. Almost certainly from my experience.
Obviously you’re going to do what you’re going to do but just be mindful that it will add to an element of additional drama when maybe you’re already still feeling a bit sad about other stuff and we will all definitely have sex again. HOORAY!
So that is the end of this Q&A episode, if you enjoyed it, please send me more of your questions, I’d love to hear them. Because that was really fun! Thank you.
