Podcast 9 - Single…
Single Motherhood
I often get asked how I cope with the kids now that I’m a single mum - It’s a funny one because I know plenty of mums who have to cope single handedly with children because their other halves are away working. And that is TOUGH!! And honestly, at times it been harder having another half who comes home wanting their tea after I’ve been at work, done a lot of driving sorted the kids… well, let’s say it’s put me off ever settling down in the traditional sense again.
Now that everything is sorted, I have the children half the time so that means half the time my house is utter chaos and the other half of the time it is eerily quiet.
And it’s that transition that I find so tricky - going from one speed to another can be exhausting and laced with guilt. By the time you’re handing the children over, I find I’m very ready for it and looking forward to some quiet time (hence the guilt). But then I get back to my quiet house and after a few hours I’m wondering what they’re doing and find myself crying over a picture of them even though a few hours before you were ready to say cheerio for a while.
I CANNOT multitask, I like to do one thing well. That used to be my moto when I had a baby - do one thing well today and I’d feel like the day was a success (in addition to keeping the baby alive and yourself of course). So, not being good at multitasking means I really relish my alone time, I always have needed a lot of space to think and dream and write - it’s what I find most rewarding from a ‘work' point of view. Time to play and be creative and connect with other people. Really spend time with my thoughts and writing them down. That’s why I loved blogging so much because it would almost be a way of helping me think and work out what I thought of the stuff that was going on around me. I can’t have that when I'm looking after kids because they really need my attention. And you’re doing all the other jobs, the cooking and cleaning, the packing backs, the tidying. All that stuff. I tend to do those things when I have them so I can really focus on the things that feed my creative soul. So I’ve learnt to love and cherish my time away from them and I know how to fill alone time. I definitely miss them but even when I’m at my saddest, I’ll make the most of the quite by resting and watching endless sex education and smashing bagels! Or I’ll go to the beach or a walk. But just really cherish that alone time because before I know it, they’re going to be back and it will be chaos again, so you have to really rest and look after yourself. And of course I make the most of the time to see friends and I have started to date again. So it’s nice to be able to do those adult things.
So when I actually have the kids - this has been funny. When I was researching what to say here. In my head, I was like oh yeah it was pretty easy, I just make sure I focus on them, it wasn’t that hard. But actually, I've been looking through a conversation that I had with my parents - we had a facebook group and every now and again I’d write them and be like, “Oh my god, this is terrible.”
And I’d kind of forgotten how bad it actually was at times, because obviously I was going through my own heartbreak and grief and overwhelm from the end of the relationship but I’d forgotten how much it had affected the children as well. Not so much my little one, who was 18 months at the time, but my son had just turned 8 and I found this excerpt that I wrote to them in January 2021, so 6 months after we had split up.
Jan 6th 2021: “Reuben’s meltdowns yesterday were off the charts!! Hoping he’s feeling a bit happier by the time they start back (next week) - low point last night was after banging my elbow I sat on the floor in the kitchen crying surrounded by dried pasta that Nancy had thrown everywhere while Reuben was upset 🙈 😂
Everything is much calmer today”
My god, I could cry reading that. I remember it so well now but I had completely forgotten it and put it out of my head but yeah that was a really tough time and there was something that my mum said the month before that helped me so much with this and basically gave me permission.
It was December the 5th and I had just found out that my ex had started seiugn someone else and I wrote a long heartbroken message to my parents.
Dec 5th: I’m really struggling at the moment. I feel like a shit mum for it too, really short tempered and no interest in anything.
My mums’ reply is like, urgh, it honestly felt the most perfect response because at this point I was sure if they understood why I had even left. And I was always second guessing what they thought and needing their approval almost. So my mum’s reply was…
Mum: Our hearts break for you and for all the things you have lost. Being a single parents is so difficult but you are doing amazingly… you have made the right decision and things will get easier as you go through the stages of bereavement.
You’ve made a lovely home for them, and you must stop worrying about being a bad mum. You are keeping things going - they know they are loved and that is enough for now. There will come a time when you enjoy being their mum again, but for now it’s enough to just do the essentials.
That changed everything for me, reading that. And just hearing that they understood where I was coming from. And you know what, I think all mums should hear that, even when you have a newborn, that’s the kind of thing you need to hear because there are times when it’s just not fun. And you need to keep the faith that there will be times when you do really enjoy it. And you love being with them. I’m in that place now where I can hang out with them and really enjoy it and take the pressure off. Nothing needs to be perfect, it just needs to be good enough. That’s all that counts as a kid is knowing that your parents are there and that they are there for you and that they are trying to do their best. And, you know, there are still times now when my son will come home and lay into me because he’s just had a bit of a crap day. But I understand that he’s having to keep it together everywhere else, he’s having to be the good boy at school, and do life stuff. So sometimes he comes home and needs to have a bit of a tantrum. So it’s not taking those moments personally and just allowing them to express themselves in that way, and not hold a grudge afterwards. That was one of the big lessons at that time, when they’re being really naughty and you’re trying to prove a point, it’s never going to come across in that moment, that’s the time when you need to both take a breather and come back together to talk it out once everyone has calmed down. But yeah, for now, it’s just enough to do the essentials.
Just keep reminding yourself as you’re working everything out, you don’t have to enjoy it. And one of the things that kept us going last year was having something that we all enjoyed doing together. I’ve got a 10 year old and a 3 year old. Bluey had just come out and we collectively all loved Bluey, so we would sit together and watch it and laugh our heads off. I would cry at the soppy bits, obviously, so that was really lovely. And, the other things was if we’d managed to go to the park, I’d be like “oh that’s a win, we've been to the park”, we've had a bit of fun together, everyone’s alive, everyone’s eaten. One of them may not have brushed their teeth but that’s ok, we’ll do it tomorrow. And then I’d go to bed when they did. That’s the key to life, get plenty of sleep because everything feels better after a good night’s sleep!
