PODCAST 7 - failure?
Hello and welcome to Happily Ever After, the podcast where we explore all things Divorce and heartache but leave with hope. I am your host Hannah Harvey, and today we are talking about failure. YUK!!!
Drew Barrymore quote
“When you break up with somebody, you’re like, ‘Yeah, that didn’t work.’ When you get divorced, you’re like, ‘I’m the biggest failure. This is the biggest failure.’ It’s so shameful and hard to actually go through that, even privately.”
This is so true. You really do feel like a failure BUT a huge thing I’ve learnt through my divorce is how to reframe failure. The process of divorce has shone a FLOODLIGHT onto all my insecurities and failure was a biggy.
I’ve had several failed businesses, a failed career in civil engineering, a failed marriage, etc. I’m a HUGE failure.
But is it failure or is it just life? And actually, I’ve decided to sack that idea right off.
I’m sure fear of failure is something I’ve learnt because when I was a kid and even in my 20s I just went all in. I loved big and gave stuff a go.
You will have heard Elizabeth Day’s wonderful podcast and read the book ‘how to fail’ and I’m so happy it exists, because this is such a biggy.
I love the fact that failure is a right of passage and really you don’t even need to think of anything as a failure if that is triggering for you - I had an events business that was loads of fun, we succeeded at lots of things, and then it ended. My marriage was loads of fun, we succeeded at loads of things, and then it ended.
In each of those examples there were also some really shit stuff. But it’s all part of life’s rich tapestry and has given me something to study, to look at, prod and inspect.
It’s taught me so much about myself, my motivations and to finally understand how I work, and what I need for an easy, abundant life. And how to stop being so freaking scared of everything - particularly what people think of me!
I think I do still care a lot what people think and that’s ok because that fear drives me to work really hard when it counts.
But i’m not going to let the risk of failure stop me anymore. When you’ve been through a divorce and all the worst things you think of yourself have been publicly aired and you survive that, and decide to love yourself anyway, well… it just gives you great big balls to go on and do what you really care about!
It does take some work though, I think divorce brings up a ton of blocks that you ddidn;t know you have and one of the things I wanted to talk about was my block with money and the fact I felt like a money failure.
When I met my husband, I was in debt and generally terrible with money. He managed all the finances thus taking that pain away from me. BUt what now? As a single mother, there’s plenty of things I’ve got better at, but managing money is not one of them. My money mind was a 26-year-old broke person and I was scared. I was scared to mess it up and end up penniless, and it felt like a dirty secret.
If you are feeling the same, I would highly, highly recommend looking up Denise Duffield-Thomas. She’s an aussie self-made millionaire who specialises in money mindset and blocks. And she has a podcast, several books (I’ve read them all) and an online community and course called Money Bootcamp.
It’s a gamechanger and highlighted so many of my issues in general around making life easier and having the gutts to get back out there and get in the arena. If you’ve seen Sing 2, Bono’s character is a recluse and he says “hiding away is not all it’s cracked up to be”.
I’ve done a lot of work on my blocks by following her advice. I’ve still got lots to work on but I’m tryin and I’d go so far as to say, it’s this work that has got me to the point where I”m confident enough to do stuff like this podcast.
After this short break, I’ll tell you how I overcame my biggest block around money…
AD BREAK
Hello again, we’ve been talking about failure, what you can learn from it and highlight our blocks or resistance to moving on with our lives.
When it came to money, one of my blocks was asking for help. I felt that I had to work this all out myself, on my own. I’m good at maths, so surely I can work it all out. I was not allowed to ask for help. But as soon as I realised that I wasn’t able to move on because I wasn’t letting myself get help, that’s when it all fell into place.
Speaking to legal and financial experts allowed me to reframe my outdated view of my own efforts as the homemaker, and I’ve also worked on my mindset around money and self-belief.
One final thought is that I saw success as an all or nothing thing - you’re either super successful, earning millions or you’re a failure. And this stopped me from even getting started. That’s a ridiculously high bar! Everyone starts from zero and it’s showing up and being consistent that really counts.
So, what are you failing at? What have you failed at? Is it bringing up a block to you succeeding in the future. Can you give yourself permission to get help with it so you can learn your lessons and move on?
Alrighty! There’s some stuff to think about, huh?! I’ll leave you with a quote from Elizabeth Day from her book How to Fail…
“What does it mean to fail? I think all it means is that we’re living life to its fullest. We’re experiencing it in several dimensions, rather than simply contenting ourselves with the flatness of a single, consistent emotion.
We are living in technicolour, not black and white.
We are learning as we go.
And for all the challenges that come our way, I can’t help but continue to think: it really is an incredible ride.”
Yes Elizabeth! What a ride. Which reminds me of Dery Girls - if you need a laugh, watch or rewatch this because it’s the best and reminds me of growing up in the 90s. When you come to the end of a significant relationship, it’s natural to revisit your history, and think about your childhood, and watching things like Dery Girls or Sex education is a great way to trigger old memories. As an aside I binged watched Dery Girls with a friend recently and my brain then started to think in a northern Irish accent!
Anyhoo! have a great week, go and watch Dery Girls, have a think about what you’ve failed at and let me know! You can get in touch either through instagram @hharveywrites or via my website hannahharvey.uk. I would love to hear from you, and any thoughts you have about this week’s episode!
I will see you next week for another episode of the Happily Ever After with me, Hannah Harvey. Don’t forget to review and subscribe and if you have a friend who might enjoy, please do recommend they listen too!
