PODCAST 4 - Grief
Hello and welcome to Happily Ever After, the podcast where we explore all things Divorce and heartache but leave with hope. I am your host Hannah Harvey, and today we are talking about grief.
Obviously, no one has died in this instance but your relationship has, and even if it was a tumultuous one, you can still be sad that it’s gone. And grieve for it.
Jessica Simpson
“It was like a death in the family: You go through the mourning stage, then the rebellion, and then all of a sudden you have to find life by yourself.”
I can definitely relate to this - there were some interesting decisions made during the rebellion stage and frankly the mourning stage still shows up at times. Each time you reach a new milestone, or you deal with something in your new life that you haven't before, it can just rear its ugly head.
We may always mourn the end of our marriages, remembering the happier times and some good things came from it.
But that's OK. When you look at the breakdown of a relationship from the perspective of grief and the stages of grief, it seems it’s essential that you go through the motions and feel sad when these feelings pop up and you acknowledge them and give them the space they need.
So, in her book “on death and dying”, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, said that the 5 stages of grief are:
denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
I’m not convinced that my journey followed this pattern. I feel like I dipped in and out of the last 3 almost on a daily basis at times!
But I can definitely say that in those early days, I was in denial and really quite focused on not feeling anything.
I didn’t want to feel sad, I wanted to feel fabulous and power through and become a best-selling author and have my book made into a movie by disney. That was literally on my manifesting list.
I’d say I was in a place of denial and delusion. That I could do all this stuff and not acknowledge that my marriage was over and let myself be really sad about it. I didn’t know it but I was terrified that if I did, I would completely fall apart and then not be able to function.
It’s good to know that that’s a stage of grief and apparently Feeling emotionally “numb” is also common side effect. Some people may describe this stage as feeling as if they are watching someone else’s life on a movie screen or as if they are detached from the reality of what has happened.
So the next stage is anger, which is a tricky one I think.
I remember feeling particularly cross whenever I had to move furniture by myself or deal with a child meltdown! And I mentioned last week in the episode about overwhelm that I had my bills moment, which was basically when I freaked out because I didn’t know what bills I needed to pay in my new house.
I also think my self-esteem was on the floor. I felt like a huge failure and that the only way to prove to the world that I wasn’t was to power through, achieve all my dreams yesterday and look amazing. I lost a lot of weight, I obsessively planned my weeks to make the most of every second and that all tied into needing external validation. Because I was in shock and in denial about the breakdown of my marriage.
However, it became apparent that my ego couldn’t have coped with even the tiniest bit of rejection so I had to put all my big dreams in the drawer for a bit. And this is wehn I finally allowed myself to feel sad.
Working with a coach
homework : do nothing
I freaked out - if I’m doing nothing, doesn’t that mean I am nothing?
I had to sit and stare out of the window and feel.
I scheduled it in, obviously, I sat there, and I let it wash over me - all those emotions, the sadness, the pain, the guilt and yes, the anger and i finally started to understand how I felt. and it was so cathartic.
Next is bargaining, which is another weird one.
I feel like my bargaining and depression stage overlapped and intertwined. I had been dating someone for a while at this point and I felt I needed to be alone to deal with this part of the grieving process. Apparently this is very common, to withdraw and reflect. I’d feel very sad at one point. Then start bargaining. Then I’d accept that bit and be ok for a while.
And it’s what I mentioned before, that as new things or circumstances pop up it might then cause a new thing to grieve.
It’s weird but you can shift in and out of grief - one moment you’re really positive, loving life and your new freedom. Maybe flirting with someone and using that as a way to feel good about yourself. The next, you’re in a pit of despair with a tub of ice cream, going through old photos.
After this break I want to discuss when grief spills into sabotage and I’d love to hear what you think of this!
AD BREAK
So we were talking about the stages of grief but is it grief or is it sabotaging yourself because you’re scared?
When you look at the stages of grief, going through these emotions is really important but what if the way you deal with them is harmful?
I don’t drink so my sabbotages are binge watching telly and smash a load of bagels - think hiding away in a cave. And I’ll reminisce about the good times for good measure.
Or I’ll go into overdrive to prove myself.
It’s taken ages to realise it (thanks to a friend pointing it out) but this happens when I’m triggered. I don’t feel good about something, so I can sabotage and make terrible decisions quickly.
The key when you spot yourself doing this is to sit quietly and listen. I ask myself why I’m doing this and why I feel so bad. For me, it almost always comes back to not feeling good enough. And to feeling scared.
I suppose a lot of this will be linked to my grief, but I always say it, divorce brings out all your insecurities as well.
I’m a big advocate of therapy and I partner with a company called Blue Talking Therapy because they helped me so much.
When you go through divorce it’s an opportunity to work out who you are, revisit old wounds, teenage and childhood stuff, and to learn from it all.
If I’m trying to achieve something and make a little headway, I’ll have a success hangover where I catastrophize everything. I’m GOING TO PUBLICLY FAIL AND EVERYONE WILL LAUGH AT ME. That kind of thing and I’ll revert to old habits that make me feel good (momentarily) like food and escapism in telly and reminiscing about the time external validation felt so good.
We're learning to live our new life. Our post divorce life. And I know we are growing in confidence everyday. Every time we get up and take a step forward, we're flexing that confidence muscle.
On the days we struggle and grief pops in to say hi, we can pause because we have the tools to love ourselves better. But I guess the key is to stay present, stay connected to how you feel, have good big cries - my friends and I call this the bubble snots, and then dust off and keep moving forwards towards those goals and dreams.
Phew, I hope that made some sense and was of some kind of use! I’d love ot hear from you if you have thoughts on the stages of grief and how and when you tend sabbotage yourself. You can get in touch either through instagram @hharveywrites or via my website hannahharvey.uk.
Have a great week and I will see you next week for another episode of the Happily Ever After with me, Hannah Harvey. Don’t forget to review and subscribe and if you have a friend who might enjoy, please do recommend they listen too!
