PODCAST 3 - Overwhelm
Hello and welcome to Happily Ever After, the podcast where we explore all things Divorce and heartache but leave with hope. I am your host Hannah Harvey, and today we are talking about overwhelm.
The average divorce takes 2 years. I know. WTF.
It seems incredibly daunting when you’re at the start. Navigating your emotions (not to mention your ex’s, your family’s and children’s emotions) alongside the practicalities of getting divorced, can feel like it requires a reservoir of resilience, whilst also feeling like you might die thanks to the body's response to fear and overwhelm.
But I’m here to tell you that there is hope. If I can do it, so can you. And I wanted to share something today that really helped me reframe my own abilities and how I responded to overwhelm.
In the early days of your divorce, overwhelm is a hugely common feeling. I remember looking in the mirror and thinking, “How am I going to do it all?”
I was in shock and the person who would normally comfort me was no longer available, and there was a tonne of new stuff to get my head around. It’s natural to think there’s too much to do. And, at times, I felt completely out of my depth.
I would get that tell-tell feeling of panic - that jelly feeling in your arms and legs, sickness in the pit of your stomach, tightening across your chest or I’ve even felt it inside my brain and across my face, like a weird prickling, tightening feeling - However you feel it is completely normal and it's the body’s response to fear - that fight or flight feeling.
After the breakdown of my marriage, my fight/flight response was set firmly to flight. It wasn’t working, it wasn’t fair on either of us, nor was it fair for our children. But that didn’t make it any easier.
The combination of guilt I felt around splitting up our family with the new responsibilities I had to take on felt immense. I was definitely the one who had to move out because I needed to guarantee that I had my own, private space to recuperate and lick my wounds.
However, I found moving very stressful and the urgency I felt put even more pressure on me. A friend was on holiday for a week so I stayed in her house (I had the children half the time) and househunted like a Mofo. Bearing in mind it was mid-pandemic 2020 and EVERYONE wanted to move out of the city to the countryside so there was NOTHING to rent… I found the perfect place within a few days and moved in the following week. I took a 12 month lease less than a month after we split up.
However, I hadn’t paid a bill in years, so then the fun really began. Overwhelm central! Natalie came over for a yoga session and found me in a mess on the floor worrying about broadband. I didn’t know what to do first so she literally wrote out all the bills I’d have to pay, how to get the best deals. That is true friendship.
Now a) I am fully aware of how lucky I was to be in a position to move and do it so quickly. b) You might be thinking Jesus, what kind of sap doesn’t know how to pay bills?
But it’s not about the bills! Of course I know how to pay bills and when I’m firing on all cylinders I’ll have you know I’m pretty sweet problem-solver!
No, This is about overwhelm. The straw that broke the camel's back. The one last thing that pushes you over the edge. And I will tell you after this short break what it was that helped me to reframe this and allowed me to give myself a massive break!
Ad break
OK so we’ve just been talking about my bills moment and how it led to total overwhelm - that feeling that all is lost, you are hopeless, you might even have a panic attack.
But this is the thing that blew my mind and helped me completely reframe how I was feeling about myself, my abilities and what I was capable of.
I discovered from my therapist that half of my brain was basically dead to me (my words not his). When you are going through a traumatic event, like the breakdown of your marriage, up to half of your brain is so busy processing the trauma, what is going on and so busy being scared of the future, that the simple task of setting up a few direct debits can be too much. Which explains why I lost it.
This in turn means that you’ve only got half a brain left to do all these things you’ve never done before.
Like, again. WTF. There’s no wonder we get panicky and feel like we might die at times!
So please remember that if you are feeling panicky or overwhelmed, that what you are feeling now is temporary. You need to be REALLY kind to yourself. Being patient and taking your time are so important during this period and I’ve learnt that the hard way. I think it actually took me longer to recover because I was so gung ho in those early weeks and months.
Take your time to recover, to go slow and feel what you really feel. Your body will thank you for it!
Your “Bills Moment'' may come in the form of something entirely different. But if it does, just think of me lying on the floor in a mess and go “oh! I’m having a Bills Moment.” Call a friend or your parents and say the following:
“Hi, I’m freaking out about X. Can you talk to me like a 2 year old, explain what I need to do in simple steps and tell me everything is going to be ok? Please and thank you.”
Alright gorgeous, you’ve got this. Have a great week and I will see you next week for another episode of the Happily Ever After with me, Hannah Harvey. Don’t forget to review and subscribe and if you have a friend who might enjoy, please do recommend they listen too!
And don’t forget that you can get in touch either through instagram @hharveywrites or via my website hannahharvey.uk. I would love to hear from you, and any thoughts you have about this week’s episode!
See you next week!
