PODCAST 2 - When should you leave?
Hello and welcome to Happily Ever After, the podcast where we explore all things Divorce and heartache but leave with hope. I am your host Hannah Harvey, and today we are talking about when should you leave?
You may have listened to last week’s episode out of interest because you are still in your relationship and want to know what you would do next if you were to leave. Perhaps you’re fantasising about leaving but don’t know when is the right time. So… when should you leave?
Dude, I do NOT know. It’s a discussion I had myself for years and one I’ve had since the breakdown of my relationship with dear friends. And there is no easy answer. I am not a man-hater and if I could have avoided divorce, I would have. So if you come to me and say should I leave, it’s unlikely that I’ll say a resounding yes, because a) I’m not in your marriage and b) I know it is incredibly complex and the options either staying or going can both be shit ones!
So, I was thinking about it and looking at the signs you should leave, and I’ll share what I came up with and then later I want to tell you exactly what I was doing the month before we finally decided to end our relationship, so stick around for that!
So these were the signs I came up with the other day that might suggest you should end your relationship. Please bear in mind I am not a therapist or a relationship guru - I’m just a woman with some ideas that I wanted to share.
1. You haven’t been intimate for a longtime
2. Your partner has cheated on you (or vice versa) and you can’t get over it
3. You have hopes and dreams that have been pushed to the bottom of the pile and aren’t possible with this partner
4. You love your partner to the point of neglecting your own needs
5. You’re stuck in fear and having panic attacks
6. You have lots of secrets within your relationship that you are scared to talk to others about.
7. You feel trapped emotionally or financially
8. You are scared of your partner (how they will react if you leave)
9. You have tried everything - therapy, reaching out to family for support, dates and trying to reconnect
10. You don’t love them any more
11. You don’t know who you are, you are numb, you feel unlovable and the best thing about you is your partner
12. Your partner is neglecting you and not willing to try
This was a bit of brainstorm that I had and I’m sure there are loads of other signs, and you don’t need to have them all for you to feel as though the relationship is over.
I also think this is way too simplistic. When you see it written out like this it’s impossible to come up with signs that a relationship is over because every relationship is very different!
I’ve been reading Courage is Calling by Ryan Holiday and in one chapter, aptly named To Get Up and Leave, he says “Sometimes it’s the courage to quit a job that’s become a dead end. Sometimes it’s calling it on a project that we’ve sunk our whole life and life’s saving into… It’s deciding to divorce after many unhappy years together.
“We did our best. We struggled. We fought, bravely, intensely. It didn’t work.”
“Some people use the fact that things are bad as an excuse. Some people use their surroundings as a reason to despair. Some people think a lack of opportunity is a problem that resolves itself. Other people get up and do something about it. Which one are you?”
Ouch. That seems a bit harsh, but I suppose he’s got a point. And this is where you can ask yourself, have I done my best? Have I tried everything to try and save my marriage. Or it is now at a deadend and do I have to do something about it?
If you’re not sure, I’ll tell you what I did Month before I left that I think changed everything. I’ll tell you about it after this break!
AD BREAK
Story about manifesting…
June 2020, lockdown… I was in despair. It felt like everything was falling apart and everyone was miserable. I was listening to the Secret and decided to give it a go.
The point of manifesting is you focus on what you want and not what you don’t want… so for example, “I’m so happy and grateful that I’m a size 10.” You then have to visualise already having this thing and believe with complete and utter faith that it is already yours.
I was setting my alarm early, meditating for 10 mins and then manifesting, which for me was writing. Writing what I wanted as if it had already happened.
Now, this was helpful for me from 2 perspectives. 1. It showed me what I really wanted and 2. I believe it brought about the end of my relationship because I couldn’t have, do or achieve what I wanted while we were together.
That sounds really harsh now I’ve said it outloud but unfortunately, I think it’s the sad truth. We didn’t work together anymore and it was holding us both back from achieving our dreams.
So, my point is, if you’re in that limbo place, maybe give this a try. Even if you’re not into all this woowoo stuff and you’re worried what people will think of you - it’s worth a shot isn’t it? At worst it’ll show you what you really want and give you something to work on with your partner. At best it’ll BRING about what you really want and in some cases that might be the very thing you need to make a decision and move on.
Have a great week and I will see you next week for another episode of the Happily Ever After with me, Hannah Harvey. Don’t forget to review and subscribe and if you have a friend who might enjoy, please do recommend they listen too!
And don’t forget that you can get in touch either through instagram @hharveywrites or via my website hannahharvey.uk. I would love to hear when you knew you should leave and what the signs were.
See you next week!
