PODCAST 1 - the aftermath
Hello and welcome to Happily Ever After, the podcast where we explore all things Divorce and heartache but leave with hope. I am your host Hannah Harvey, and today I’m going to be talking about that bit straight after a break up. The aftermath of whatever event it was for you that has caused the irreparable breakdown of your marriage.
This period can be exceptionally traumatic for many and I certainly only remember it in chunks.
Amy Poehler quote…
“Imagine spreading everything you care about on a blanket and then tossing the whole thing up in the air. The process of divorce is about loading that blanket, throwing it up, watching it all spin, and worrying what stuff will break when it lands.”
I’m a huge Amy Poehler fan. Her autobiography, Yes Please!, is wonderful (especially her inner critic stuff) and if you haven't watched Parks and Recreation please go and do that now. I've watched the whole series twice (the second time breastfeeding a newborn through the night and the characters literally became my family).
I love Amy's quote here too. It perfectly sums up how you can feel during the transition that is divorce - the fear, the anxiety, the overwhelm and wondering what's going to break.
The good news is, it doesn’t have to be you that breaks! It is possible to go through the process feeling strong and grounded and actually come out better and more yourself than you’ve ever been in your entire life.
So, that’s the good news but when you’re in that moment just after splitting up, there is a whole raft of emotions going on. And some of it will depend upon how you ended your relationship. If it was a sudden, caught you by a surprise split, you might have a few more emotions to deal with, than a mutual decision that has been discussed for a long time. But the overall feeling can be the same. What should I do next? Is it possible to even do it all on my own? Who even am I now anyway?
I think everyone will have their own unique fears when they think about leaving their relationship. But the thing about fears is that if you apply some logic to them, you can start to alleviate their power over you.
My fears were that I would be left penniless and alone and my children would be taken off me by my ex husband, who would then skip off into the sunset with his new girlfriend.
I wanted to share 4 things that really helped me get clarity in those early days so that I was able to take action despite the fear.
1. I spoke to close friends
I’d say in the immediate aftermath I went into pure instinct. My gut was saying that the relationship was completely over and there was no going back.
This meant that my heart and my head had to catch up and they were freaking the hell out. When you’re going through something traumatic, speaking to close friends so you don’t feel so alone is crucial. I spoke to 2 friends and my brother.
But I would say, a word of caution here because if you are unsure about leaving, this is not a time to start polling for opinion. You need to sit with how YOU feel and trust your gut. So it’s helpful to choose friends who are going to listen rather than tell you what to do.
The day it happened I spoke to a very close friend. In fact, I was walking around our village with the kids and my dog in the rain, in my pyjamas and she came and found me. I have cried about that moment since as I have never felt so cared for. She didn't come to tell me what to do, just to let me know she was there for me. Doesn’t get much better than that really does it?
2. Advice mode
I wanted advice from experts.
In our relationship I was the traditional housewife at home, looking after the kids and house and food. I was embarrassingly ignorant of most things but especially about money and our finances and I certainly didn’t know anything about the legal stuff and what I was entitled to. So, on the first working day after we split up, I got legal advice. I needed to get a handle on where I stood.
When you leave a relationship you need to know if you have to leave with nothing, an often unfounded fear, or are there things you can do so you have some protection during this process. In my case, I was able to move some funds into my own account, giving me the peace of mind that I wouldn't be left penniless.
I also got myself a coach - I didn’t know if up was down or left was right! I hired her saying I wanted help to get my book published but I finished the conversation saying, oh yeah and I split up with my husband yesterday. This woman has supported me throughout my divorce and at times I couldn’t have done it without her. She also ensured I got help from other professionals (such as a therapist) as and when it became obvious that I needed it.
3. Creating a safe space
If you are doing the leaving, you will probably have to do just that and leave. It will be the only way you can guarantee space and privacy to think, lick your wounds and work out what you want next.
For me, finding a new house in the middle of a pandemic in the countryside when everyone was moving out of the city, was certainly a challenge but I went all in and found the perfect place, which I had moved into less than a month after the breakup.
Do not feel guilty for needing this space and creating that safe place for you to almost nest.
I’ve stolen this idea of nesting from Jennifer Aniston - she said in a Vanity Fair article after splitting up with Brad Pitt that she had to retreat into her cocoon in an effort to take care of herself and her heart. She felt like she was nesting.
What a perfect way to look at it. You’ve just had your heartbroken, where else would you want to be but in a safe nest watching parks and recreation?! If it was your best friend, what would you want them to do?
So no guilt is allowed for this one - you need a safe place.
It can also be the most dangerous for many women without them even realising. So I want to finally touch on what to do if you’re worried for your own and your children’s safety.
Please call your local domestic abuse services. I think there is a lot of fear around doing this, like it will put you on a database that can be used to hurt you, or your ex partner will find out. This is not the case, and if you have the slightest feeling that there is risk to you or anyone else, please call. It will put your mind at ease and they will have a raft of support, should you need it. I will put details of this in the show notes.
I have got one more, potentially controversial thing that I recommend doing straight after a breakup, which I will share straight after this…
AD BREAK
Alrighty, so we’re back and we have been talking about what are some of the first things you can do after your marriage breaks down because it can be super overwhelming and you can feel like you want to do everything at once but you also don’t know where to start.
4. Get off social media!
Do NOT air dirty laundry and block your ex.
SO those are my 4 tips for straight after a breakup
1. Speak to friends
2. Get expert advice
3. Safe space
4. Get off social media
Have a great week and I will see you next week for another episode of the Happily Ever After with me, Hannah Harvey. Don’t forget to review and subscribe and if you have a friend who might enjoy, please do recommend they listen too!
And don’t forget that you can get in touch either through instagram @hharveywrites or via my website hannahharvey.uk.
